


Pale Tortured Blue

by septemberashes



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-14 12:36:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9182134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septemberashes/pseuds/septemberashes
Summary: Absence supposedly makes the heart grow fonder yet they both mercilessly destroyed that phenomenon. Being eleven years apart has done its deed; the only thing left for them was to stay hidden behind the newly erected barricades and keep fleeing from their only source of consolation.Sequel to Narcissistic Cannibal || ON HOLD





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Tbh, this fic won't make any sense unless you've read 'Narcissistic Cannibal' that can be found on my Livejournal (delusive-doll). I'm in process of re-writing the prequel right now since I wasn't really satisfied with the end result, so for those who haven't read that fic yet, I'd rather you wait till I finish editing it lol Unless you're into atrocious English, of course ~~
> 
> Beta: the_duck_bride@AO3

Blinding white light pierced through the delicate skin of his eyelids, forcing them apart and rousing him from his deep slumber. Groaning from the early awakening and groggily rubbing his sore eyes, he finally rose from his lying position and stretched his strained back, slightly wincing in discomfort and cursing humorously; thinking old age must be taking its toll on him. Still not fully alert, he ran through the long disheveled raven tresses with his fingers, occasionally finding them stuck in a few unruly strands that managed to intertwine themselves together while he was visiting the kingdom of Morpheus.

 _Such a nuisance_ , he sighed, but couldn’t deny that he somewhat liked his hair, although it was not always glossy as the locks those models from shampoo commercials had. He had to admit that his hair would sometimes look rather dull and the ends would split; soft indeed, but nothing too special. This made him ponder the reason for keeping his hair long, not bothering about getting a haircut above his shoulder blades. Was it because his workplace was somewhat tolerant of his hair length and not once had he received a complaint about it? Or was there something symbolic about it that made him want to preserve its length? He honestly had no idea why.  Having fallen deep into thought, he began to twirl one of the strands unconsciously.

 _Mystery of the 21 st century, ladies and gentlemen _, he laughed soundlessly, not being able to deny how ludicrous it seemed to be delving into such an insignificant matter. Although he never did that himself, right now he imitated those females who loved to caress their long tresses, then pulled one strand and kissed it when a sudden familiar feeling squeezed his chest.

_His trademark gesture._

The recollection of eleven years ago flowed back into his mind, pressing its imaginary weight on his heart. Those years were far behind ~~,~~ and he was no longer a naïve young adult but a grown up man instead. A thirty-two year old man with a new life, sharing no similarities with the one he had once lived. For the first nine years he had managed to shield himself from the memories, but for the past two years they had begun to haunt him again for some reason.

_Where is he now? Do they still keep in touch?_

The last thought made his eyebrows knit together into a slight frown. But it was definitely not a sign of jealousy but rather deep sadness enveloping his heart whenever he thought about them.

_If I continue like this, I will never be able to do anything properly._

Sighing at his own vulnerability, he decided to finally plod to the bathroom for his morning shower and get ready for work. After finishing brushing his teeth ~~,~~ he stripped himself off pajamas, stepped into the shower cabinet and turned on the water. Regulating it into a warmer temperature, he let his eyelids close again and enjoyed the warm sensation of the collective moisture against his body. The running water warmed his skin, soothing his sore muscles and maybe even clearing his mind of those negative thoughts.

_Enough. No point thinking about them._

His hand automatically grabbed the nearest shampoo bottle, squeezing a small amount on his hand before rubbing it into his dampened hair. Now using two hands ~~,~~ he began to gently massage his scalp, inhaling the fragrance of his shampoo. It smelled lusciously sweet but unfamiliar to his nasal receptors. He picked the bottle up again.

Honey?

_Just like the shade of his hair._

He mentally smacked himself for letting the flow of his thoughts retake the initial course back to the core of its doom. Placing the bottle back on the shelf, he cursed himself for never paying attention to the hair products in the supermarket, always just grabbing whatever caught his attention first, and he made a mental note to never buy this scent again, in turn avoiding any unnecessary thoughts.

After a few more caresses, he ducked his hair under the water again to let it rinse the bubbly substance off, looking at how the last bits of shampoo got sucked into the hole like a whirlpool. He contemplated whether he should use the conditioning but reckoning that he had used a fair amount of water, forgetting to turn off its flow while shampooing his head, in the end he decided not to use the other hair product today.

_Sacrifice the beauty of his hair to save money for utility bills._

After wiping his whole body and hair with one towel, he wore another around his hips as he walked back to his bedroom once again to dry his hair and change into a plain gray jumper as well as dark pants. Removing the damp towel, he started putting the garments on and looked into the mirror for the first time today.

A reflection of a thin brunet with a tired expression stared back at him; high cheekbones, deep coal eyes and a broad mouth. His sharp jawline had developed over the years, not that he was complaining though. He strived to look as masculine as he could, so as not to be looked down on by his colleagues in his field of work. He remained thin over the years, however managed to become more toned thanks to his job.  

While slightly smiling at his own reflection, he took the hair brush and slid it through his hair, dealing with those intertwined strands. He made sure that the brush could run through his hair smoothly, only then did he put away that torture device. Ready, he grabbed his wallet, keys and phone then headed to the hall. There, he put on his shoes and coat, before he walked out of his apartment at last.

It was a brand new day with the same result.

Nothing was going to change.


	2. I

At first glance Mondays were always the crappiest days by some unspoken tradition. The saying manifested to symbolize the longest and most tiring shift, never-ending children wailing and patients flooding in for appointments with a specialist after the weekend – all of these could easily throw a normal person’s mind over the edge of sanity. However, it was a completely different situation for Shiroyama Yuu. In fact, he _loved_ Mondays (and any other weekday), and would always check in jolly instead of mumbling greetings to the receptionist with a disgruntled face. Despite occasionally shitty treatment from agitated patients, especially, the little ones, and average salary Yuu couldn’t have been happier being fully immersed in his work. Honestly, being occupied with the job certainly helped his mind stay focused on his task, which he intended to carry out without a single flaw.

As a nurse in a women & children hospital, having been trained in assisting in both OB/GYN and pediatrics, he constantly shifted between two departments due to the general lack of nurses. While it was definitely time-consuming and nerve-wracking most of the time, Yuu found his profession absolutely rewarding. What could be more heartwarming than seeing a sick child recovering from a long-term illness? What could be more gratifying than being able to help obstetricians and midwives in an exhausting 13-hour delivery? Yuu genuinely couldn’t be more grateful to life for giving him such an opportunity to actually show care, which was usually acknowledged, paid for, of course, and most importantly, reciprocated.

It was only 9:30 a.m. but he was already out of the first scheduled C-section surgery. The actual operation had taken no longer than 40 minutes, but the patient was advised to stay in bed for another few hours to recover properly. It wasn’t a particularly tough case; the doctor who had done the surgery was non other than Dr. Kazuki, their resident obstetrician and gynaecologist. Although he was still working to achieve the title of a specialist, Kazuki had performed more C-sections than any other past trainees in the hospital; it was no wonder he was praised for his beyond competent surgical skills.

“Senpai, did you see how awesome I was today?”

And this was Kazuki’s trademark line after each surgery he had attended together with Yuu, thus quickly becoming a part and parcel of the elder’s life.

Despite Yuu’s love for his job, there was one thing that sort of grated on his nerves and that was Kazuki’s relentless pestering for his attention. While he did find the resident’s bubbly personality somewhat cute, the fact that the other was so attached to him wore him out a bit, since Kazuki’s always showed his presence in Yuu's vicinity whenever the younger was on his break. How did this attraction even happen? If Yuu's recollection was accurate, he had just been slightly nicer to Kazuki than the other nurses during the period of time when the other was still an intern. But then, Yuu had always been friendly to trainees and everyone in general because he believed that everyone made mistakes and should be given a second chance to redeem themselves. However, he had underestimated how his past encouragements and compliments to Kazuki had inflated the younger’s ego.

“Firstly, please refrain yourself from calling me ‘senpai’, Kazuki-sensei.” Despite the number of times he had asked the other not to address him as a superior because, in fact, as a nurse he was more akin to a doctor’s subordinate, at least in their culture. But this guy refused to abide by his request and kept this rather unflattering habit. One, which sometimes triggered bursts of giggles from other medical staff whenever Kazuki decided to get his attention in the corridor. Really, the resident was intolerable from time to time. “Secondly, yes, it’s no doubt that your skills are superb, but please don’t become too complacent. You still have to assist another delivery in two hours.”

“Are we having another surgery together?” Kazuki’s face brightened unabashedly at the notion of Yuu being present in the same operating room.

“For once, it’s not us who's ‘having’ the operation but the patient,” Yuu sighed, but, nevertheless, the corners of his lips curved upwards slightly at the other’s misleading word choice. “And now, please excuse me, sensei. I need to sterilize the room and get the equipment ready.”

“He’s really attached to you, isn’t he?” Yuu could only sigh again when Yutaka asked him this question, both of them being on their short break between the procedures and Kazuki out of their sight. The youngest had probably returned to his attending surgeon’s office to check the upcoming patient’s medical chart again prior to the surgery. On the other hand, Yuu had just finished preparing the room and chanced upon Yutaka on his way out of the surgery room. The other man had just been in the earlier patient’s, the woman who had the C-section, ward to check on the newborn.

Uke Yutaka was one of their pediatricians and had worked there for a year now after finishing his residency back in Kanagawa. Yuu could never imagine running into a person from his past, which he tried to limit to his memories, in an environment like this. But fortunately, Yutaka had decided not to pry into reasons for Yuu’s sudden disappearance from Sagamihara. Instead, when they had met again for the first time in ten years, Yutaka had treated Yuu’s presence here as a normal occurrence. For which the other was endlessly grateful. While the younger one probably only knew one side of the story from Takanori (assuming that his brother had bothered to explain this to his friends), Yutaka still had a lot of unresolved questions. But again, he had only mentioned that he had tried to find Yuu before but soon understood that the elder _wished_ to remain unfound, so he'd given up on the chase. Ten years later, Yutaka was happy to see the other man nonetheless. The feeling that Yuu, surprisingly, returned despite his past intentions.

That was because deep in his heart, he couldn’t stop worrying about Takanori. And of course, Yuu would have tried to dig out any information about his younger brother after losing communication with their uncle eventually when Takanori had graduated from high school and moved out. However, all that Yutaka could have provided him with was that Takanori had been accepted into a law school. Well, not in Tokyo as he had dreamed of but in Yokohama instead, but that had still made Yuu proud. What had been a total surprise was how Takanori had managed to sustain his university tuition fees and rent, so he assumed that his brother had probably chosen to do his degree part-time. That simple fact never ceased to prompt guilt squeezing his chest in an excruciating manner. He just hoped that his brother had been able to pass the gruelling bar exams in the end and become a practicing attorney by now.

“By the way, are you still going to the welcoming party this Friday?” Yutaka asked, his hand holding a mug of coffee, as they both stood inside the staff room, next to a huge window.

“I probably will, since no one’s going to be at home anyway,” the other shrugged. “Uke-sensei, did you find out who bought over the hospital in the end? And who’s being appointed as the new CEO since Yoshiki-san has retired?”

“Yuu-san, I’ve already told you to stop calling me that, it’s weird,” Yutaka groaned, wincing slightly at such formality. “And in terms of your question, no, they also keep me in the shadows. Only the head of departments have been informed, so I guess the rest of us will have to find out at the party then. The staff, however, speculates that it’s a branch of a huge conglomerate.”

“Then I hope it’s for the better.”

“It sure will be,” Yutaka reassured. “Apparently, the corporation specializes in the medical administration, so they should be perfectly aware of their decisions. Besides that, they are introducing an internal audit team and the Western-style medical indemnity insurance as well, I believe.”

“Reorganizing the whole non-clinical department?” Yuu huffed, as he glanced out of the window, which had a perfect view of the administrative building. “That is a really big transformation they are making, I hope this alteration doesn’t reach the medical staff itself.”

“Nah, they won’t. Though the auditors might want to conduct a check on us.”

“Now I’m actually worried,” Yuu laughed humourlessly, his eyes never leaving the window. What he didn’t expect was a hand on his shoulder, causing him to revert his eye contact with Yutaka.

“Don’t be,” the younger’s encouragement never failed. “I’ve heard from your colleagues and believe that you’ve been working hard for the past eight years. _Everything is going to be okay_.”

Weren’t they the same words Yuu had told someone else back then?

“Wow, it’s been eight years now?” So much time had passed; Yuu should probably start counting the years to his early retirement. “Welcome to the ‘over thirty’ club,” he muttered to himself but Yutaka’s ears were sharp enough to pick it up.

“I’m going to join you soon in about half a year,” the other flashed his usual dimpled smile. “Regarding your work ethic though, you really shouldn’t be worried about it, because you are truly good at it.”

“You sure know how to coax someone, ‘ _son of both doctors_ ’-san,” Yuu smiled teasingly, though the imaginary weight on his shoulder had dropped indeed at those words.

“I’m just judging the situation based on your merits. Everyone will be devastated if they suddenly lose a colleague like you.”

Outside, the blue colour stretched like infinity in the sky, guarding it away from any speck of clouds. Warmth overfilled Yuu’s chest as his gaze lowered to the ground.  The sunlight perched on top of children’s glossy black hair, as they frolicked around in the hospital garden. A few pregnant ladies strolled around there as well, their hands daintily holding their swollen bellies.

If Yuu’s worst fear materialized, he would definitely miss this place.  

“I guess we just have to wait for that time to come.”

 

***

  
Friday night came in the blink of an eye. On this special occasion, the full-time hospital staff were free from the night shift, though for the sake of inpatients, the administration had to schedule a few casual nurses and doctors to take over. On the other hand, Yuu finally had a chance to wear his formal suit again, well, after so many years ever since his successful job interview. It was a dark grey suit complemented with a maroon tie, which he thought looked ‘alright’ on him, since it had been ages since he had worn something…slick like this. Yutaka picked him up at 7 pm and they soon reached the convention hall, where the party was taking place. What was more surprising was the fact that the company, which bought over the hospital, had also taken over control of the party organization and turned it into some sort of charity event as well. So, as expected, most of the staff turned up, not just to satisfy their curiosity since after all who exactly became their boss wasn’t that important since the majority had never spoken to or even seen the previous CEO anyway. 

“Wow, I can’t even see the stage,” Yutaka whistled to Yuu, as they both tried to push through the crowd in order to get closer to the table with food. “Oh hi, Murai-sensei, glad to see that you’re attending the party. Did your last patient give you headaches today as well?” He snickered at his colleague, who initially rolled his eyes but laughed a moment later nonetheless.

At the same time, Kazuki had already cornered Yuu near the table, chattering away, much to the elder’s both amusement and annoyance.

“I think Ogawa-san from the pediatrics has an eye on me.”

Yuu merely chuckled as he pressed the edge of his glass of champagne to his lips, ready to take a sip. It was definitely Moet, which average people like him only got to taste on special occasions like this. So whoever had picked this beverage definitely had a refined taste. “Are you interested in her, Kazuki-kun?” Yuu finally dropped that overdone honorific, maybe just for one night. And it wasn’t alcohol talking, Yuu consciously knew what he was doing. If this encouraged Kazuki to get closer to Yuu, then it would be the elder’s own fault; he could rebuke himself for such poor decision later tomorrow.

“She is a pretty lady, but nope,” Kazuki let out a fake despaired sigh. “She doesn’t make my heart go all ‘badump-badump’,” he then interlocked his fingers above his heart and dramatically imitated the oscillating movements of cartoonish heart leaping out of one’s chest. “Not at all, unlike one other person.”

“And who is that, I wonder?” Yuu could only shake his head, probably having the right answer in his mind. No offence to the younger, but Kazuki was an open book. Whether he was serious about Yuu or not, that was another question. It could have been simply a senior-junior attachment, for all he cared but something had told Yuu that this attraction had already surpassed mere friendship.

“Well, isn’t it obvious, senpai?” The resident was all smiles and this blatant attraction, which Yuu could not reciprocate, was causing the elder to feel guilty for some reason. While he wasn’t at fault for making Kazuki harbour these sorts of feelings for him, Yuu still felt like he held some responsibility for this. And unrequited love was a nasty thing, Yuu could conclude that since he had experienced it himself. Maybe not in romantic terms, but similar to it. He just wished that the thought of him would cross his younger brother’s from time to time, even if it was just pure hatred. At least that meant Takanori had never forgotten about him and _cared_ enough to hate him.

“Senpai, you look upset, what’s wrong?”

“N-nothing.” Kazuki’s voice had interrupted his musings, causing him to return to reality. “Sorry, was just concerned about Kirishima-san,” he lied quickly. “She went into labour earlier than expected-”

“Come on, you are at a party, senpai!” The other whined. “All work and no play makes Yuu-san a dull bo-I mean, man,” Kazuki grinned sheepishly after correcting himself. “And I’m sure she is just fine, those doctors from the State Hospital are surely good. In fact, probably even better than us,” he mumbled the last statement.

“Don’t say such things.” Yuu had probably chosen the wrong topic to lie about. “Anyway, I kind of have lost Uke-sensei,” he then turned his head around, his eyes searching for the said chestnut haired pediatrician, much to Kazuki’s dismay.

“You’re always hanging around him, senpai.” If Yuu’s ears heard it correctly through the noise, Kazuki had tsked in dissatisfaction at the mention of the other doctor. “Hey, why don’t we contribute to the charity instead? Manabu-kun over there told me that you can get a lucky draw ticket just for 250 yen.”

“Wow, that’s actually the price of one meal at a yatai,” Yuu frowned slightly, but since the money went to the foundation for children with disabilities he still bought one ticket. “What bothers me the most is the fact that it’s already been an hour since we’ve come here but the actual ‘stars’ of the party haven’t arrived yet.”

“They probably have, the MC maybe just hasn't announced it ye-fucking hell, Sakurai-sensei is our MC tonight?” Kazuki exclaimed in shock, watching how the hospital’s Dean of Medicine and chief administrator walked up the stage. When Dr. Sakurai picked the microphone, the hall erupted with cheers and clapping.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, colleagues and friends,” Dr. Sakurai smiled gently. “I hope everyone is enjoying the evening, and Byou-kun,” he softly addressed a trainee, who was Kazuki’s friend and had entered residency at the same time as him. “If I catch you calling up Kazuki-kun begging for answers during your written exam paper again, I’ll ignore your previous accomplishments and make sure that there’ll be an available spot for you in the morgue.”

Laughter filled up the hall, and even Yuu couldn’t help but let the urge to smile overtake him while the ‘culprit’ standing next to him could just raise his hands in defeat with a shit-eating grin adorning his face. “Won’t happen again, Sakurai-sensei.” Byou nudged an equally grinning Kazuki in the shoulder.

“Concerning our program for tonight,” the chief surgeon continued. “I’m delighted to inform you all that our new colleagues have finally arrived. So please let me introduce our new head of the Financial Analysis Unit, who will also personally lead the clinical audit team – Suzuki Akira-san.”

Yuu nearly dropped his glass of champagne on the ground. There were millions of Suzuki Akiras in Japan, but this one was unmistakably the boy both he and Yutaka knew from home. The spiked blonde hair was no more of course, due to obvious professional reasons, and rather toned down to a more acceptable colour, but that face – that smug face he would never forget.

“Please take care of me.” Obviously oblivious to Yuu’s awe, Akira simply bowed then returned the microphone back to Dr. Sakurai and stepped to the back.

“Holy shit, are you seeing this?” Yutaka finally found Yuu in the crowd. “I can’t believe that we are going to be reunited here.” What was Akira doing here? From what Yuu could remember, didn’t his parents own a restaurant and wasn’t he supposed to inherit it? However, so many things could have happened during these eleven years, generalizing everything was an ignorant thing to do.

“These new internal auditors surely look scary,” Hiroto, another nurse whispered to Yuu after Dr. Sakurai had introduced the rest of the team and a few new members of the financial department. “Restructuring the whole medical staff has never seemed so close until now.”

“Don’t say silly things, Ogata-kun.” Regaining his senses, Yuu managed to pat the other’s back reassuringly. “You know you’re doing a good job, so there’s nothing to be scared of.”

“I’m not as efficient as you, Shiroyama-san,” his junior sighed dejectedly. “And also, that incident with one patient treated with electrosurgery which resulted in a big lesion on her cervix, which caused her trouble conceiving afterwards. Although I wasn’t directly involved, I was the one who encouraged her to go for the procedure. That was long two years of legal battle.”

“It wasn’t your fault. She made the final decision, but from what I’ve heard, the lady is seeing Sakurai-sensei about it, isn’t she? I honestly doubt that it causes a hundred percent infertility. On the other hand, if she left the dysplasia untreated, it could have progressed into cervical cancer.” Hiroto was still young and inexperienced, so he was an easy target for patients, especially overly demanding ones. The young man had been unfortunate enough to be caught in a legal case just a year after he had started working in their hospital. “However, it’s good to have malpractice insurance in case we _actually_ do something wrong, I guess that’s why they are getting this whole new indemnity thingy for us.”

“Yeah, last insurance was only sixty thousand yen and that’s a ridiculously small amount for specialists,” Yutaka joined in their conversation, as he tactfully covered his mouth when a yawn escaped his lips. There were too many new faces and he had already forgotten half of their names. “Apparently, the head lawyer of this company has also won 90% of cases, in the hospitals’ favour. Usually, patients come out victorious when such claims are made against health professionals, so the numbers are quite shocking.”

“Now,” Dr. Sakurai’s loud voice resonated in the hall again. “Let me introduce you our new lawyer and head representative of PS Company’s insurance branch – Matsumoto Takanori.”

 _Now_ , Yuu felt like his world was falling apart; in a good or bad way, he couldn't fathom.

The person he had longed to see the most yet despised him at the same time was here. Eleven years. For _eleven_ years, Yuu couldn’t see his beloved younger brother’s face, couldn’t hear his voice. But now, now Takanori felt so real in front of him – it was really him, in blood and flesh. Those unruly curls were now pitch black and neatly trimmed, his jawline definitely more developed, his expression more somber this time, causing Takanori to lose the boy-ish charm he had possessed. On the other hand, his whole frame was still overall petite for a man of his age, but boy, how masculine he had become. Yuu had almost not recognised his brother, but if he scrutinized every detail Takanori’s current appearance screamed with so much familiarity, that it felt like a slap in his face. Well, more like a deadly punch, actually. And it hurt so fucking much that Yuu couldn’t move from his spot, his feet rooted to the floor as Takanori made his speech about possible malpractice and the necessity of insurance because of that. The brunet’s body was trembling from the hurt, the pain he bore, as although his wish to see his brother again had finally come true, he knew that there was no place for a happy reunion. If there was no tension, then awkwardness would surely be lingering between them. That was only if they were even going to come across each other, but Yuu didn’t like to take his chances.

Why did his brother have to choose to work as a lawyer here, out of all existing hospitals in Tokyo? He could understand the youngsters’ dream of working in Tokyo, but why it had to be medical insurance and _this_ goddamned hospital?

“Senpai, are you alright?” Through his stupour, Yuu could still hear Kazuki’s clear voice. “You’ve been staring at our new lawyer for a while now. I know he’s kinda cute-” However, before he could finish off his statement, Yutaka softly interrupted him.

“Kazuki-kun, I’d like to take Shiroyama-san to the back for a moment, is that okay with you?”

Of course, Kazuki’s expression demonstrated a clear ‘no’, but seeing that there was something more to that request, he uttered a quiet ‘ _sure_ ’. His eyes followed two figures gradually disappearing behind a wall of people. At the back, Yutaka finally dropped the other’s hand and told him gently. “It’s okay, Yuu-san. Everything is okay. It’s been eleven years now. Things have changed.”

“B-but.” Yuu finally showed a sign of life for the first time since he had seen Takanori. “He never tried to contact me all these years, even though I gave him my new number. And now he’s gonna…he’s gonna work here as well.”

Yutaka bit his lower lip, not really knowing what to say. “Well-”

Dr. Sakurai’s voice boomed in the air again, catching their attention.

“And now onto our guest of honour - the man, who has been our major investor, who had given generous donations to our hospital. As a private institution, individualized funds are crucial to our establishment, especially since we specialize in surgery. So we require more surgical equipment than many other specialties. Fortunately for us, this young man has grasped that idea quickly. Despite his tender age, his experience in managing a medical franchise in the US is also going to be advantageous to us since this is the first time we’re having our own internal audit team and an extensive coverage for insurance. So let us welcome our new CEO-I beg your pardon?” Dr. Sakurai suddenly stopped when a member of staff ran onto the stage and whispered something into his ear. “My dear colleagues, I’m really sorry to announce that our CEO is still currently stuck in traffic. Wait, ten more minutes, you say?” A difficult expression embraced Sakurai’s features. The CEO’s entrance was surely chaotic. “I guess we should move on to the lucky draw part of the evening while we are waiting for his arrival. Although it was planned that the new CEO will be the one handing out the prize-Oh, Matsumoto-san wants to volunteer? That’s great, let Matsumoto-san draw a number right now then!”

“One hundred and thirteen,” Takanori said after withdrawing a piece of paper. “One hundred and thirteen?” His eyes scanned the hall.

Gasping, Yuu crumpled the ticket in his hand then turned around to Yutaka. “P-please take this.” The pediatrician looked at him incredulously when he unwrapped the paper and saw the number. “One hundred and thirteen…but this is your number, Yuu-san.”

“Just take it.” Yuu forced out a smile. “I’m-I’m going home.”

Deliberating, Yutaka gave him a knowing look nevertheless. “Would you like me to drop you off?” But Yuu simply shook his head and proceeded to the back exit. Understanding the other’s need to be alone in this moment, Yutaka could only exhale heavily in exasperation and tell himself not to chase after his colleague. In the meantime, Takanori repeated the number again, as the current owner of number 113 was still yet to signal his whereabouts.

Yuu left the building clutching a hand over his mouth. It was a golden opportunity to be near his brother again, but he was terrified of Takanori’s reaction and the potential scene it might cause. Everything happened so abruptly. Although Yutaka’s words made sense, as many years had passed and people’s emotions were generally bound to change, this didn’t work with his younger brother. Takanori had been so sensitive in the past and Yuu’s betrayal had probably been deeply ingrained in his tender heart. The mere fact that his little brother did not even try to contact him said a lot about the dire situation between them. Takanori had never forgiven him even when Yuu had sent him long texts with explanations and tried to call the other up. The damage had been done and it was irreversible. Looks like, time still failed to heal the wounds.

Massaging his temples, Yuu headed towards the taxi stand only to groan in disappointment upon seeing the empty lot. It was still early, they were just halfway through the ceremony and it wasn’t like he had anyone waiting for him at home. However, the convention hall was right in the city centre and the place should be bustling with cabs. Ten minutes later though, relief coursed through him as he saw headlights shining from afar, the sedan car swerving into the taxi lane. _Finally_ , he thought but halted in his movement upon seeing the passenger’s door opening. A tall man wearing an expensive coat stepped outside the cab then raised his head to look at him.

Before Yuu could judge the situation properly, the sound of his phone being dropped to the ground with a loud crack reached his ears.

Fate really loved pulling at his heartstrings then snapping them mercilessly, didn’t she?

First Akira, then his brother, and now **_him_**.

Because there was no way he could not recognize his low velvet voice, which had only become deeper with the years; but this timbre, it could only belong to one and only person.

The one, who had woven his thorns deep into Yuu's heart and embraced him so intimately despite all the pain he had caused in the past.

The one, whom he had cruelly left eleven years ago without any explanation, despite knowing the other’s longing for him, and never heard or seen of ever since.

The one, who was standing right now in front of Yuu, his unchangeably beautiful face embracing an equally dumbfounded expression.

“…Yuu?”


	3. II

Yuu was certainly not in a shoujo manga.  
  
In a situation, where the perfect guy would passionately embrace the female protagonist and tell her that he’d never, _ever_ let her go; all while declaring his undying love to her again and again.  
  
Certainly not.  
  
The situation he was caught in was less than romantic. And it wasn’t just un-romantic.  
  
It was plain _tragic_.  
  
Running into the person from whom you’ve been hiding from all these years; no messages, no calls, no trace left – nothing for him to catch onto. It wasn’t like Aoi wanted people to think he was _dead_. Gods, _no_. Maybe missing. But not dead. _No_. Just missing, or even better - left _alone_. Hundreds of people went missing annually in Japan, and the numbers just kept increasing, whether it was due to mounting debts or failed exams. So Yuu’s case wasn’t special at all. Yet there was one thing that connected _all_ these cases, including his.  
  
_Shame._  
  
Shame in returning to your family.  
Shame in looking straight in their eyes, which were filled with so much disappointment.  
Shame in having failed them, the loved ones, who held you in such high regard.  
  
And Yuu had failed _him_.  
  
The one who kept his stunned expression intact, his mouth now shut in a thin line after uttering Yuu’s name hesitantly.  
  
This wasn’t the reunion Yuu had imagined. Honestly though, he had no plans whatsoever on seeing these people at all; yet life had decided to play a cruel joke on him: gather them _all_ together and present them to him in _one_ night. This was too much for him to handle. Yuu’s mind was reduced to a ticking time bomb, threatening to go off anytime, preventing him from forming coherent thoughts.  
  
Seeing that his mind was of no use currently, his body decided to overpower it.  
  
Now he finally understood why his instructor stressed so much on reflexes – they were indeed the most important feature in human development; the most basic thing that helped man adapt to a change in their environment.  
  
Therefore, Yuu’s first instinct was to flee.  
  
“Sorry,” he muttered before Kouyou could react, shoving past the still dumbfounded man as he hopped into the front passenger seat of the cab, urging the chauffeur to move along.  
  
Kouyou didn’t end up chasing him.  
  
In the rear mirror, Yuu could see how Kouyou kept staring at the car in bewilderment, still not having moved from his spot.  
  
Yuu was thankful that it ended just like that. Inside he was shaking violently, his innards ominously trying to come forth onto the pristine leather seat. Nevertheless, he remained composed on the surface, his eyes forcefully focused on the counting meter. The numbers kept increasing to the smooth jazz emanating from the radio as the soft trill of the car engine filled the background. Street lamps illuminating central streets started to diminish as the cab moved further into the sleeping suburbs, the only remaining light being that of the passing car’s headlights. The area was eerily silent for a Friday night, but Yuu probably preferred it to be this way anyway. The frantic drumming of his heart was deafening enough in his ears. Maybe he hadn’t been mistaken with the choice of the neighborhood after all. Its quietness nearly allowed him to catch every beat of his heart as it contracted feverishly in his ribcage.  
  
The last thing he needed right now was to acquire a ventricular fibrillation.  
  
_Calm the fuck down_.  
  
Not having a penchant for swearing - not even inside his head -Yuu couldn’t help but chastise himself.  
  
Because all he could see in front of him was a pair of painfully familiar hazel eyes, boring a hole into him. A million emotions had probably coursed through Kouyou’s head -Yuu could bet that shock dominated them all; it was neither happiness nor anguish. Not even the accusatory note could have remained long enough in those eyes. It was just plain _shock_. Kouyou couldn’t have even afforded time to descend into anger – Yuu left way too fast for Takashima to register his presence properly. Way too unexpected. For Kouyou. For _him_.  
  
But boy, the teenager that Yuu remembered had grown so much during these years. Although Yuu’s escape was frantic, his gaze had lingered long enough to record Kouyou’s new appearance. The trademark honey tresses were now completely gone, replaced by much shorter, workplace-appropriate hairstyle in a darker shade of brown, nearing Yuu’s own jet black hair. It wasn’t as if the new colour didn’t suit Kouyou. Even though it didn’t waft the same familiarity as those golden locks, his new – but was it _new_? Or did Yuu just miss out on eleven years? – hairstyle definitely brought out his masculine features more. It was hard to imagine that the boy who flaunted feminine features was now demonstrating a more angular face. Besides, it seemed like he had gained a larger frame now, the long black coat sitting immaculately on those broad shoulders.  
  
Takashima Kouyou was indeed no longer a teenager. He was now a fully-grown man.  
  
Eleven years has done its job well. Yuu couldn’t even deny it.  
  
But did seeing Kouyou invoke the same intense longing compared to what he had felt the first year living in Tokyo? Probably not. Maybe in the back of his mind he still wished to know what it felt like to let his palm caress that handsome face, have his fingers tangle in that soft hair and inhale the strong cologne, which Kouyou had been wearing since their first meeting. Yet his desire did not extend to madness –Yuu could probably go on without reliving all those sensations again. He had gone on for the past eleven years with little trouble, therefore he could go on for another eleven with no problem, right?  
  
However, to say that this unexpected turn of events didn’t pull his heartstrings was undeniably wrong. Yuu was definitely caught unaware, cracking his phone’s screen as he had dropped it on the ground upon seeing the younger man.  
  
But it was pure shock. Nothing more and nothing less. Anyone would be shaken if they suddenly ran into someone they had been hiding from all these years.  
  
_Right?_  
  
And not just someone. It wasn’t just Kouyou. There were also Akira and Takanori.  
  
Most importantly, Takanori.  
  
His brother.  
  
His dear younger brother, whom he had missed so much. So fucking much that it hurt his chest. Yuu thought he had almost forgotten how to breathe properly when he saw the older Takanori standing on that stage, his head up high with a stern expression. A part of him just wanted to run up that stage and pull his brother into a crushing embrace, cry his heart out and apologize to him profusely all over again. Kneel, kiss his feet - whatever would make his brother look at him again. Certainly, it was unhealthy to obsess so much over this - Yuu was perfectly aware of it. No one should stoop that low when it came to asking for someone’s forgiveness, even if they were brothers. Yet he knew that if it gave him a _slightest_ chance of gaining his brother’s trust back, he would go through the humiliation in a heartbeat.  
  
But then, Yuu was also a pathological liar.  
  
He knew he would never, ever approach his brother first. Not without some sort of clue that Takanori would like Yuu’s presence near him.  
  
Contrary to his uttermost fears, Takanori didn’t look sickly or famished. Overworked, yes, seen in the dark circles adorning his under-eyes and the tired expression. But the boy – scratch that, young _man_ – did not seem unhealthy. Every corner of his little body emanated with strength and power - not arrogance usually associated with confidence, but rather the impression that Takanori knew exactly what he was doing; that he was an expert in his field. Deep inside, Yuu was proud of his brother, so fucking proud of him. He was relieved that Takanori was healthy and successful in his life. Even if he could never get in touch with his brother again, he was content with the fact that his brother was doing fine, at least on a professional level. At least he wasn’t begging off on the streets, something that Yuu would never forgive himself for if that were the case.  
  
Seeing him today was a blessing and a curse. So close, yet so far.  
  
Yuu couldn't care less about running into Suzuki again. That guy was akin to a weed in a perfect garden, sprouting out of nowhere, and he should just accept that. What concerned him more was the notion of the trio from the past being together at the same time and place. As far as he remembered, Takanori was in touch with Kouyou but wasn’t the elder supposed to be in States like how he desired? And why did the three of them decide to work together? Well, Yuu wasn’t entirely sure why he had also ran into Kouyou at the taxi stand but surely he was heading to the convention hall where their hospital was holding an introductory party. Then all of them must be associated with Yuu’s workplace now, and that was no joking matter. Fortunately, so far both Suzuki and Takanori seemed to station in a different department and would not be directly involved with the actual healthcare service, so chances of running in them in the hospital were really low. But what was Kouyou doing here then? Knowing his family background, it must be something big. _Important._ Didn’t his father want him to become a doctor? If he did indeed become one, despite his reluctance back then, then Yuu was royally screwed. He couldn’t bear the thought of working hand in hand with Kouyou from now onwards.  
  
His heart could only take so much.  
  
And it wasn’t because of his previous Stockholm syndrome-kind of fondness for the boy. It didn’t matter that his body used to ache for Kouyou’s touches, his ears longing for his velvet baritone.  
  
_Eleven years has done its deed._  
  
Yuu swallowed an imaginary lump down his throat.  
  
Because he kept seeing those hazel eyes piercing right into his soul for the rest of the night.  
  
The next morning, Yuu tried not to let his mind stray back to yesterday’s events too deeply. Not being able to work until Monday made it worse, as he basically had all his free time to ponder over it, as much as he wanted to suppress those uninvited thoughts. There was not much he could do about this situation, so there was no point stressing out too much. Yuu decided that they were all adults here, and whatever happened back then should stay in the past. This wasn’t child’s play anymore - it was the matter of finances and livelihood. Yuu couldn’t simply quit his job – his hard earned position of a senior nurse – just to run away from his past. He had once left behind everything not involved in his drama e.g. his past job, Toshiya, Yutaka. He wasn’t going to lose them again. He was no longer a young adult, few years out of adolescence, and it was time to take responsibility for his actions.  
  
After all, duty always prevailed his own feelings.  
  
_What a hassle_ , he sighed, placing the empty coffee mug into the sink. A stack of dirty dishes left there caught his attention, interrupting Yuu from his somber musing. _Disgusting_. He chided himself for leaving dishes unwashed – it didn’t usually happen to him, as he valued cleanliness over everything in the house. That didn’t change over the years. Frowning, Yuu donned a pair of heavy-duty gloves before starting to scrub the dishes till they were spotless. There were also a few oil stains left on the countertop but he could handle them later.  
  
Another thing that came off as a surprise to him was a knock this early in the morning. _It isn’t 4 pm yet, is it?_ Unless Yuu had taken his sweet time cleaning the dishes, which he was sure he hadn’t. Frankly, Shiroyama didn’t have a lot of acquaintances outside work, and they didn’t really have a tradition of visiting each other’s houses. A house was considered a very private and intimate space, reserved for the closest people.  
  
_Not like how Kouyou would barge into my house back then_ , he thought with some fondness, a sad smile gracing his lips.  
  
He removed his gloves and washed his hands under the warm water, before turning the tap off.  
  
A menacing feeling enveloped his heart, as he came closer to the door, his palms all sweaty. There was really no reason whatsoever for him to be nervous, yet the thumping in his chest was getting rowdier with every second.  
  
His fingers grasped the doorknob, gingerly turning it, as he pulled the door open. And he instantly regretted it.  
  
Because not in a thousands years would he forget that commanding tone.  
  
“Are you going to let me in or not?”

 

***

  
Kouyou wasn’t sure what he was doing. Actually, scrap that part. He knew exactly _what_ he was trying to achieve. He just didn’t know _why_ was he doing it.  
  
After that fateful ‘meeting’ at the taxi stand, the first task he had to accomplish was to search up Yuu’s name in the registry of employees in the hospital. Kouyou was pretty damn sure the elder was working for the hospital, because why else would he be waiting for the cab at the convention hall’s taxi stand? The introductory party had been the only event held at that place yesterday night, so he must have been coming from there. Only the staff had been invited so, logically, Yuu must have been working at the hospital.  
  
Kouyou had had to wait till morning to get his hands on Yuu’s file in the registry since he could only access the human resources department from 9am onwards. He was astonished to find out that Yuu was working as a registered nurse. That was such a step up from his last job. He had really missed out so much on Yuu’s life. However, what had surprised him more was the different surname in the elder’s file: Yuu was registered under ‘Shiroyama’ rather than the familiar ‘Matsumoto’. Was this the reason why he failed to find Yuu?  
  
_Eleven years has done its deed._  
  
To say that Kouyou was passionately longing for Yuu was clearly an overstatement. Of course, he could never forget Yuu’s kind face and solemn dark eyes, yet Kouyou did not feel that irresistible pull towards the elder anymore. He just probably wanted to take the reigns from where it had been left at and bring this situation into a close.  
  
Then why did his heart thump so loudly against his chest when those dark eyes met his again?  
  
Kouyou really didn’t expect Yuu to let him in, after that not-so polite tone. He didn’t want to push his luck yet his usual domineering self could not be so easily contained.  
  
Yuu’s apartment was rather plain - Kouyou could not point out anything special. Well, there was an upgrade over the years, and that was the size of the dwelling, which was definitely bigger than his old flat in Sagamihara.  
  
There were neither tears nor warm embraces – Yuu just let him in, as if he was another guest in the elder’s house. As if they had been seeing each other for the past eleven years. As if nothing had happened at all.  
  
Still, he couldn’t believe that this was real, not just an adolescent fantasy. Kouyou followed Yuu into the living room in a trance. He had finally found him, after so many years. He had to keep himself from reaching out to Yuu, fingers nearly touching the elder’s high ponytail. Kouyou wanted to make sure that the elder was real, that he was not going to disappear again. Nevertheless, he rapidly withdrew his hand when Yuu turned around to face him, a polite – albeit forced – smile adorning his lips while Kouyou took a seat on the sofa.  
  
“W-would you like some tea or coffee?”  
  
“Let’s drop the formalities,” Kouyou had never intended his voice to sound this harsh and almost regretted using this tone, seeing how Yuu noticeably flinched.“You know why I’m here.”  
  
As Kouyou had expected, Yuu was as nervous - even _terrified_ \- as he was. While the elder just blatantly showcased it, Kouyou had to bury his anxiety underneath his usual authoritative tone. How could he have expected that their first meeting in eleven years was going to unfold like this? How should they act? Should they be friendlier to each other? Or more hostile? The fact that Yuu hadn’t slammed the door in his face was already giving him some hope for reconciliation.  
  
But was it the _reconciliation_ that Kouyou was looking for? Or maybe he just needed answers from Yuu; so many questions and so many answers, yet Kouyou couldn’t formulate them properly in his head. All he could think of was that Yuu was finally here, in front him, all flesh and bones after so long.  
  
“I have-,” An unattractive stutter left Yuu’s lips. “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”  
  
“Don’t lie.”  
  
Not this again. Kouyou could no longer waste his time. While he felt guilty pushing Yuu into a corner in the elder’s own house, he could not afford to waste anymore time or patience. Perhaps, long ago, he had given up on finding Yuu, taking into consideration the thought of the elder wishing to be left alone. There were hundreds of people going missing every year and Yuu’s case was not uncommon. However, he seemed to have just evaporated into the thin air, not leaving any trace behind. At first, Kouyou was scared shitless. This was all too similar to suicide cases and god knows, how Kouyou prayed for Yuu to be found. Never in his life, had he been so distressed and frightened. Later, his fears had been partially alleviated when Takanori grudgingly admitted that his elder brother had been keeping in touch with him. Well, it had been a one-sided association from Yuu’s side because Takanori would not reply his messages. At first it had thrown Kouyou into a murderous rage, but he had felt like a hypocrite. As much as he had wanted to punch the new number that Yuu had sent to Takanori into his own phone, Yuu’s abrupt disappearance – another betrayal - had been too much for him to bear.  
  
There had been no tomorrow. Yuu hadn’t had an intention of coming back.  
  
He had just dumped his own brother on Kouyou and simply run away from his responsibilities.  
  
Kouyou had really wanted to hunt him down. But had it been worth it?  
  
His heart, which had a giant, impenetrable fortress protecting it, had been slowly taken down the further he got involved with Yuu. The brunet had deceptively pulled his poor heart into his loving arms and fed it not just with warmth, but also _lies_.  
  
Were they all lies then?  
  
Kouyou needed answers right now. It was now or never.  
  
“What do you want to know?” Yuu’s voice was soft but strained at the same time. Kouyou’s gaze involuntarily fell on Yuu’s palms curled into fists, as his body shook from anger. Of course, anyone would become frustrated when cornered in their safe space. But Kouyou had no intent of backing off.  
  
“Why did you leave me?”  
  
This.  
  
The question that had been nagging him for the past eleven years.  
  
“I had to,” a quiet reply returned to him.  
  
Kouyou could not believe his ears. And that’s it? Was it that simple? Was it all Yuu could offer? He couldn’t come up with anything more original in all these years? However, antagonizing the host would be counter-productive, and the last thing Kouyou wanted right now was Yuu becoming all defensive. He should take another, softer approach.  
  
“We could have made it work-”  
  
“No,” Yuu interrupted. He remained standing rigidly at the entrance between the kitchen and the living room, his facial expression stern. “We couldn’t have.”  
  
Looks like Yuu wasn’t planning to cooperate with him, whether he spoke in a gentle or harsh manner. Kouyou had to control himself from lashing out, despite having managed to tone down his temper during these years. “Why did you have to decide it by yourself? Didn’t I have a say in that relationship?”  
  
“Because I would have liked to make things go my way at least _once_ in that messed up relationship.”  
  
This wasn’t how their reunion was supposed to go. Oh well, at least they weren’t screaming at each other’s faces.  
  
Because it wasn’t worth it.  
  
They weren’t tied to each other anymore. Then was there any point in interrogating Yuu in the end? Did these eleven years just pass in vain?  
  
“Anyway, did you come here just to accuse me of faults committed in the past?” Yuu still refused to sit down, preferring to maintain some distance from the other. He, however, visibly relaxed when he seemingly gained the upper hand in the conversation. The crease between his brows smoothened; Yuu’s palms also loosened as his fingers gingerly brushed the fabric of his track pants.  
  
Meanwhile, Kouyou could only regain his breath.Maybe accusations and catching up could wait. Maybe they should focus on the present for now.  
  
“You’ve no absolutely idea how relieved I am to know that you’re doing better now.”  
  
From the way Yuu stared at the younger, he was definitely taken aback.  
  
“How do you know that?”  
  
“I’ve looked into your employment files,” Kouyou admitted to the elder. “That’s how I found your address in the first place.”  
  
“And what authority do you have to go through my records?”  
  
The ugly frown returned to Yuu’s face. He was clearly not amused by this breach of privacy. Unless Kouyou was working in the HR department. Takashima didn’t want to boast about his new position, but he had already been introduced to the staff during the party last night. Unfortunately, Yuu had just left earlier, before the younger could make his official entrance. The other was bound to find out sooner or later, there was no point in playing coy about it.  
  
“I’ve been appointed as the new CEO.” While the elder was probably stunned by this news – from the way Yuu was staring at Kouyou - he didn’t necessarily fear Kouyou’s authority. Takashima could have been the supreme ruler of the world, it didn’t mean that Yuu was going to bow down to him. From what he had learned from their past relationship, intimidation alone couldn’t break the headstrong brunet into submission. Respect had to be earned. Thus, Kouyou didn’t want to linger too much on this point and moved the conversation along.“And I assume you’ve noticed that Akira and Takanori are also here, in Tokyo.”  
  
“What is this joke?” Contrary to Kouyou’s expectations, Yuu just laughed humourlessly, finally plopping onto the sofa next to the younger. Again, Kouyou had a sudden urge to reach out for the brunet and feel him one more time, but suppressed his desire. Instead, he switched to a topic that might interest Yuu more.  
  
“I can’t guarantee that you’ll be all chummy with your brother again.” He saw how Yuu’s normally dull eyes sparked with some unknown emotion when Takanori became the centre of their conversation. The hopeful shine, however, faded as rapidly as it appeared, leaving dark irises behind. Soon, gloom wormed back to his eyes.  
  
“I don’t expect him to,” he muttered, his gaze downcast. Something inside Kouyou itched, wanting to cast that forlorn expression away from Yuu’s face.  
  
“You do want him to acknowledge you, right?”  
  
“Of course,” the elder sighed.“That’s all I want right now,” he then re-collected himself, covering his face dejectedly behind his palms.“Why am I even telling you this? It’s been eleven years, Kouyou.”  
  
“And is that _all_ you want?”  
  
As if his predatory instincts had kicked in, Kouyou was hovering over the elder in a flash of a second, arms on both sides, catching Yuu in between. Bewilderment crossed Yuu’s face, but to the other’s surprise, he neither moved an inch nor tried escaping Kouyou’s clutches.  
  
“Kouyou,” he mustered in a breathy voice, prompting Kouyou to abandon all self-restraint to rest his forehead on Yuu’s. He was again pleasantly surprised that the elder didn’t back away. This wasn’t necessary yet it felt so right, being so close and intimate to Yuu after so many years. And he just wished time would shift into slow motion, in order to savour this moment. Yet his prayers went unheard when Yuu jerked away from him at the creaking of the front door and shuffling of feet.  
  
“What’s going on?”  
  
Kouyou lifted his head just to see a young child standing at the entrance of the living room. He didn’t know what to say, being in a same boat as Yuu, noticing with his peripheral vision how lost the elder looked. The child didn’t look like he was older than twelve. “I didn’t know you have brothers this young,” Kouyou scoffed, as a really unnerving feeling settled in his stomach.  
  
The kid was nearly like a carbon copy of Yuu, minus his eyes.  
  
They weren’t black like Yuu’s, but the brightest hazel Kouyou had ever seen.  
  
Just like his.  
  
“Dad, who is this man?”


	4. III

Introducing someone couldn’t have been _that_ hard, yet Yuu faltered before he could mumble anything even close to audible. Couldn’t he just say that Kouyou was his colleague from work? It wasn’t like the boy knew every single staff member in Yuu’s department. However, colleagues didn’t invade each other’s personal space to the extent of touching foreheads, one person’s arms caging the other in between, their faces flushed (well, probably just Yuu’s). Children were more perceptive than adults gave them credit for – their eyes would register the tiniest clues, even if they didn’t really understand the nature behind these things. And to Yuu’s misfortune, both adults remained in an intimate position long enough for anyone to notice that something was going on between them; let alone _his_ child, whose shrewd eyes kept piercing him relentlessly, the boy’s fairly innocent question remained hanging.

 

On the other hand, Yuu also noticed how Kouyou’s confusion started to wane, as realization dawned on him.

 

Would Kouyou resent him for this? But they didn’t owe each other anything, right? Also, many men in their age bracket already had families, and just like many other men, Yuu only wished for a normal life after that past traumatic experience. Well, maybe Shiroyama had a taste of fatherhood way earlier than he should have had, because his son was already ten. Still, he regretted nothing: Yuu doubted he really needed a few years to ‘play around’ or ‘explore himself’ first before settling down. Moreover, there was no way he would trade his son for anything else, as he vowed to protect his blood and flesh from anyone who would pose as a threat to his child.

 

At least, this time he wouldn’t fail.

 

But was his protection really necessary in this case? Because there was only curiosity showing in Kouyou’s eyes, his voice soft and devoid of malice.

 

“Your son?”

 

Sighing quietly, Yuu nodded. “Aoi, this is Takashima Kouyou-san,” he introduced the other to the boy. “Takashima-san is my boss.” Yuu tried to keep his face straight as his son seemed to continue quietly observing them, as if trying to decipher any visual clues. In the end, the boy gave Kouyou an acknowledging nod - without blinking - his stare hard and _knowing_ ; as if this ‘Takashima Kouyou-san’ wasn’t just his father’s superior, and there was something more to the situation, something more that a ten-year-old couldn’t really figure out.

 

At this point, Yuu knew he couldn’t expect his son to bow to Kouyou, an adult, which was a mandatory showcase of respect in Japan. Sometimes Yuu felt that other parents judged him for bringing up such an ‘ill-mannered’ child. Aoi was no longer a toddler who had limited understanding of Japanese etiquette, yet he didn’t seem to show his respect lightly to just anyone. He was no sheep that followed customs blindly even though it was basic courtesy.

 

Knowing Kouyou’s ego in the past, Yuu assumed that the other would be deeply offended by Aoi’s insolence. Many higher-ranked officers regarded it as a sign of disobedience, especially important executives like Kouyou. Casually dismissing the fixed hierarchy in their society due to ignorance wasn’t an excuse. Yuu would have been damned if this minuscule but equally important thing put his job in jeopardy. He knew it personally, how _petty_ the ‘higher ups’ could be.

 

Contrary to what he had expected though, only a chuckle reached his ears. There were only traces of amusement in Kouyou’s eyes, as the younger man slowly approached his son. Takashima then further stunned the brunet when he crouched to the level of Aoi’s eyes and flashed one of his brightest smiles at the boy.

 

“So you are Aoi-kun.”

 

Yuu couldn’t even deny that Kouyou’s gentle smile almost made his heart do a somersault inside his chest. He didn’t think he would be able to keep witnessing such rare and out of character displays from Kouyou and still end up living through the day; one more and he may not make it.

 

_And to think I left this all behind._

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Ten,” the other replied coolly, still eyeing Kouyou with suspicion. However, he didn’t budge when Kouyou’s hand touched his hair, as the man rubbed Aoi’s head in what appeared to be an affectionate manner. Yuu had no idea that Takashima had a soft spot for children, however, with eleven years having gone by, anything was possible. It’s just back then, he would have never pegged Kouyou as the type to tolerate kids, being spoilt and immature himself. However, from his past experience with Kouyou, Yuu was aware of the younger’s reputation of the master of disguise, the devil himself camouflaging behind that beautiful façade. What if Kouyou’s current approachable persona was just hiding his true cruel intents? Or was Yuu vilifying the younger _way_ too much?

 

“Your Dad is a good man.”

 

Now that’s how a skillful manipulator sweet-talks his target. Or maybe that was what Yuu wanted to make himself believe: despite his not-so baseless reservations, nothing in Kouyou’s tone gave off any kind of malevolent intentions. Instead, he simply straightened his posture, then glanced back at the confused brunet, a calm expression adorning his face; as if he didn’t just meet the child of his past lover, who had left him without any explanation. “I’ll probably get going. See you around at the hospital.” Honestly, Yuu doubted that they were going to run into each other very often, due to Kouyou’s superior position.

 

He certainly didn’t complain though.

 

“See you around, Takashima-san.”

 

In spite of his polite smile, these words seemed to have burned his tongue to cinder.

 

***

 

“You like him, don’t you, Dad.”

 

It wasn’t even a question.

 

Aoi was perched on the dining table, swinging his legs back and forth. Yuu wasn’t particularly fond of having the boy’s ass all over the surface where they ate their food, but his mind was more occupied with his son’s rather solid statement.

 

“How was the school camp?” Yuu deflected the question he wasn’t really keen on answering. He could have told Aoi that _no, your father isn’t interested in his boss_ till the kingdom came, his son would still stubbornly insist on the otherwise. Not verbally, of course. The boy wasn’t much for words, preferring to convey his thoughts with his gaze instead. And right now, Aoi’s look was telling his father that the other should stop avoiding the topic.

 

“How long have you liked him?” His son probably gave him a taste of his medicine for trying to switch the conversation.

 

“I don’t like him.” Cooking dinner had never seemed to be this tedious, until he had to entertain this nonsense at the same time. His answer wasn’t a complete lie. Something about seeing Kouyou again indeed tugged at his heartstrings in the wrong way, but it didn’t make him lose his head completely. After all, so much time had passed and he had survived without the other’s companionship quite well during this period. The clock kept ticking, feelings came and went. That was the way of nature, unless it pertained his blood and flesh. Blood is thicker than water, so people don’t normally give up on their families this fast, especially if the bond between them was unbreakable in the first place. Perhaps, that’s why he kept longing for Takanori, although these feelings hadn’t been reciprocated in a long time.

 

“Is this why Mom left us?”

 

Yuu nearly chopped off his fingers; thankfully, the knife only ended up lacerating one of them. Upon the sight of blood, Aoi quickly hopped off the table and ran out of the kitchen. Just as Yuu had thought, the boy had gone to the bathroom in search of the first aid kit, because when he returned to the kitchen, there were band-aids, antiseptic and cotton pads in his tiny hands. “Thanks.” The father smiled softly, dabbing his wound with the pad, wincing slightly from the contact with alcohol. On a side note, he should also start paying attention to things he picked off the pharmacy shelves because these Doraemon band-aids looked really childish.

 

Aoi chucked the empty wrapper and bloodied pad into the garbage bin.

 

“Did you love Mom?”

 

The serenity seemed to be short lasting, as once again Yuu had to face another question for which he didn’t have a definitive answer. Did he love Aoi’s mother? Yes, he did, but not in the way Aoi probably meant when the boy had asked him that question. He indeed loved her but not to the extent of needing to share the rest of his life together with her. Maybe they hadn’t been ready for this next step, yet Aoi wouldn’t be capable of understanding these nuances in an adults’ relationship at his tender age. All that the child knew was that in a functional family, every child had a father and a mother. And he would wonder why he wasn’t like his classmates, most of them enjoying that blissful, nuclear family life; wonder what he had done to not deserve same happiness.

 

“We loved each other,” Yuu ruffled the younger’s hair in an attempt to inhibit possible qualms the boy might be having. “But she’s in a much better place now.”

 

“Is it also because of me?”

 

Shiroyama had no heart to tell his son that _yes, your Mom wasn’t ready to have you and she couldn’t bear the responsibility of motherhood_ ; that _she felt like you were the threat to her freedom and career_ ; that _she fell into such depression at first, and couldn’t bear the thought of being near you, her own son_.

 

“Maybe you didn’t love her enough, Dad.”

 

Aoi’s simple reasoning was harsh yet it wasn’t a groundless accusation. The boy had every right to feel that Yuu had deprived him of a normal family, because he wouldn’t understand, and Yuu didn’t expect him to understand. Aoi was far too young, too pure and if that made perfect sense to him, then Yuu would allow him continue to think this way. As long as he could protect his child from potentially destructive self-blame, he was content enough to play along with this explanation.

 

“Maybe my love alone wasn’t enough for her.”

 

Then why did Yuu’s heart squeeze in such excruciating pain when these solemn words left his beloved son’s mouth?

 

***

 

He dreaded his Monday shift more than he should have; this feeling was so unfamiliar to him, as for a long time his job was the essence of his existence. The usual smile that graced his lips was now forced, eyes darting side to side in hope of noticing _them,_ who had recently intruded on his life once again, so that he could flee in time. Deep inside, Yuu had vowed to leave all personal issues at home yet as he drew nearer to his assigned ward, the fear of running into the trio from his past became more irrational.

 

Just because Kouyou had visited, well, more like came uninvited to his apartment the day before, didn’t mean they were going to resume their previous relationship. So many more words were left unsaid, but Yuu didn’t plan to rush with the reconciliation. Kouyou had re-appeared when the elder had least anticipated it, so he had yet to adapt to this turn of events. He needed to ease himself into the other’s presence, and that also concerned the other two. Well, maybe he could just ignore Suzuki because they barely had any history together, but running into Takanori was another can of worms altogether. There was no way he could just brush off his brother’s presence, because sooner or later he would have to acknowledge it. Easier said than done. And like hell would he let personal feelings in regards to their unfortunate past come between him and his job. Yuu couldn’t allow himself to become overly emotional about this. That was highly unprofessional, and Yuu was way past that stage.

 

“So you’re saying that the nurses’ responsiveness to your requests could have been better?”

 

Yuu didn’t even have to cross the vicinity of the ward to realize who was talking to the patient. This husky voice unmistakably belonged to Suzuki Akira.

 

“It has begun.”

 

Out of nowhere, Hiroto’s sudden grave statement startled Yuu, forcing a gasp out of him. With mayhem currently reigning inside his head, he had nearly forgotten that the younger shared rounds with him on the same floor today. Yuu turned around to face Hiroto, who was biting his lips anxiously, the junior nurse’s frame shrunken against the wall. “Of course, this is a perfect opportunity for some patients to complain about our so-called ‘atrocious’ service.”

 

Shiroyama shook his head, his nerves taut as bowstrings. “I didn’t expect them to start reorganizing the staff _this_ early.”

 

“No one did. Looks like the HR department will have plenty of files to remove from its system from now onwards.”

 

Yuu couldn’t decipher whether Hiroto just scoffed sarcastically or was legitimately on the verge of crying. Bearing such a serious case of being sued on his shoulders, the younger had every reason to be worried even though Yuu had been trying to calm him down from the day of the new administration’s induction.

 

“Here’s where you’re wrong, Hiroto-kun.”

 

This time, Yutaka suddenly appeared next to the two equally bothered nurses, who were still lurking outside of the ward, not really daring to enter while the auditor was still conducting a survey. “The clinical audit is an opportunity to improve our service, rather than blame or shame the staff.”

 

“Easier for you talk about this, sensei,” Hiroto could only sniff dejectedly in retort. “Your record so far is spotless.”

 

“I still think you’re worried about nothing.” The pediatrician consoled him. “The audit team just wants to measure the current level of patient care as it is, without making any rash conclusions about it. Also, I think we should actually come inside the ward unless you want to hear any more complaints about bad service. It’s Suzuki inside, isn’t it? Follow me and just act natural.”

 

“But you are in the wrong department-” Yuu protested but the other quickly shushed him, bringing the index finger to the elder’s lips.

 

And then both nurses followed Yutaka into the ward.

 

Yuu wasn’t really looking forward to seeing Akira again. Too late now.The said man was writing something on his clipboard when the three of them walked into the room, his nose buried in the paper, not really registering the newcomers’ entrance. Hiroto immediately scooted to one patient’s side, waiting for further instructions. Meanwhile, Yutaka brought a fist to his mouth and cleared his throat demonstratively, enough to catch Akira’s attention.

 

“Good morning, Suzuki-san.”

 

Yuu could only imagine the shock Akira was experiencing upon seeing familiar faces. If it were him, he would also drop his pen, but contrary to his expectations, the head auditor quickly regained his senses. What formidable professionalism, he really should give Akira more credit for that.

 

“Good morning, sensei.”

 

Suzuki’s voice was cool, as he sized Yutaka up, until he noticed Yuu standing meekly behind the doctor. “Ah, what a surprise. Fancy seeing you here as well, Yuu-san. Can’t believe we’re all _colleagues_ now, he stressed on that particular word. One had to be deaf not to pick up jeering notes. Maybe Yuu was wrong, Suzuki remained that asshole he’d been eleven years ago. The auditor then turned to his right, where Hiroto was fidgeting in one spot. “And you are…?”

 

“I’m Hiroto, Suzuki-san,” the youngest answered, trembling. Yuu doubted the other would even bother to remember Hiroto’s name, seeing how a blasé expression instantly settled on Akira’s face.

 

“If I’m not wrong, you’re not in charge of this department, Uke-sensei.”

 

“And you’re absolutely correct.” Yutaka never stopped smiling.

 

“Awesome, because I’m actually heading to the pediatrics floor next,” Akira reciprocated the smile, although it never quite reached his eyes; which were, in fact, fixated on Yuu, who could feel the gaze burning a hole in his back as he helped one patients prop herself up on the bed, her belly so swollen that she could barely heave herself up. “I have to go through some questions with you, if you don’t mind.”

 

“Surely not.”

 

Yuu could only revert his stiff shoulders to a more relaxed state when both men left the ward. He then smiled reassuringly at Hiroto, who looked relieved after having dodged some kind of bullet. The younger’s mirth lasted for a mere one minute before the patient he was taking care of began to grumble about how late they came in to check up on her today and how she urgently needed to go on her morning stroll (“it’s good for the baby, you _men_ won’t understand”) before seeing her treating physician. Hiroto ended up apologizing to her profusely before helping her out of the bed to take her to the garden.

 

“Shiroyama-san, you seemed to be very tense today,” the patient, who Yuu was in charge of today, pointed out. She was a pleasant young lady unlike her ward neighbour. Michirou, was her name.

 

“Ah, I just went through so much trouble putting my son to bed last night,” he whipped out a quick lie, smiling softly at her. “Kids and their hyperactivity at nighttime.”

 

“Can’t say I’ve had that experience…yet,” she hummed appreciatively,stroking her swollen belly. “Soon.”

 

Warmth diffused to every corner of Yuu’s heart. He guessed this was the reason why he loved his job so much, witnessing the strength of a mother’s unconditional love in one single moment. And no Akira Suzuki would ruin this experience for him.

 

“Soon, Michirou-san,” he echoed her words.

 

The young woman beamed back at him.

 

“And please don’t take Sasaki-san’s unconstructive criticism to heart,” she suddenly added. “Your gentlemen’s service is amazing, and I’m sure Auditor-san won’t be able to find any faults with you two.”

 

Yuu was taken aback.

 

_How did she know that we overheard the conversation?_

 

“You are always here at 8am sharp, without fail,” she replied, as if reading his mind. But before Yuu could continue their pleasant conversation, a familiar mop of messy brown hair appeared at the entrance of the ward.

  
“Ah, here you are senpai.” Yuu didn’t know if Kazuki’s grin could stretch any wider. “Good morning to you too, Michirou-san. How’s the baby coming along?”

 

“We’re good, though sometimes I wish he didn’t cause my back to hurt this much,” she chuckled.

 

“Would you like me to give you more painkillers?” But the lady merely shook her head. “Oh yeah, Yuu-senpai, Sakurai-sensei was looking for you.”

 

Yuu quirked his eyebrow questioningly. Dr Sakurai rarely called him up to his office, since he was only answerable to the heads of department. Nevertheless, he obliged. The chief surgeon’s office was one floor above his current one, the golden plate ‘Dr Atsushi Sakurai’ gleaming on its front door.

 

“Yuu-kun just wait outside, I’ll come out in a moment,” a cheerful voice beckoned Yuu to stay there after he gave the door a tentative knock. After a minute or so, Dr Sakurai came out of his office, his hand clutching to a folder. “Let’s go.” Noticing Yuu’s quizzical look, he elaborated. “I’m going to accompany you to the CEO’s office.”

 

_What the-_

 

_Don’t tell me Kouyou had something to do with it._

 

The journey to the CEO’soffice stretched far too long for his liking. Something was definitely wrong, he just couldn’t pinpoint what. The way Dr Sakurai was sneaking glances at him throughout their walk didn’t make it any better, further unnerving him. Two mini heart attacks in a day was way, way too cruel.

 

Kouyou’s office looked menacing from afar, causing Yuu to gulp audibly but not loud enough for Dr Sakurai to hear it. The Dean of Medicine’s previous joyful expression seemed to die down the closer they approached the huge mahogany door before knocking on it.

 

“Come in.”

 

His velvet baritone kept resonating in Yuu’s ears long after they entered Kouyou’s office. It was a spacious room, painted in toned down colours with minimal decorations. A few paintings hung on the walls, but the previous CEO had probably left them there. Otherwise, there were a few stacks of paperwork ready to be finished on the desk, the owner of the office behind it. Kouyou’s neutral expression was completely unreadable, which only prompted Yuu to feel even more jittery.

 

What’s more, Suzuki was also there, an ever-noticeable smirk tugging at his lips. But what truly threw Yuu off the track was Takanori’s horrified expression. The younger man had frozen in his chair, hands gripping the arm rest so tightly that Yuu bet he could see Takanori’s knuckles turning white.

 

Himself, Yuu wasn’t in any better state of mind. He almost forgot how to breathe. This was the closest he had gotten to his brother in the past eleven years.So close, yet so far. He didn’t want to fall prey to his temptations: abandon his willpower to fall down to his knees, grasping Takanori’s legs, and apologize all over again. His knees were so close to giving way, succumbing to the gravity of the Earth yet he managed to keep his face straight, his body rigid and motionless. The last thing he wanted right now was to humiliate himself in front of so many people, especially Suzuki. Yuu would rather die than grant Suzuki such satisfaction.

 

“Please take a seat.”

 

Like in a daze, he savoured the sultry tinge of Kouyou’s voice and took a seat next to Akira while Dr Sakurai picked the one closer to Takanori.

 

“Pleasantries aside, let’s get straight to the point of this gathering. We’re here to discuss the issue of your employment, Shiroyama-san.” Akira started, without standing on ceremony. “My audit team was going through your personal records, where it says you’re employed as a senior registered nurse. As we all know, _legally_ a registered nurse is someone who has graduated from a nursing program and successfully passed the national licensing exam. However, what bothers us is that you have no official qualification from _any_ training organization approved by the Board of Nursing. Would you be able to explain this?”

 

Yuu’s feet went cold. He wasn’t aware of this being illegal since no one had ever raised this topic for the past eight years. Shiroyama merely acquired his position of a head nurse through meritocracy alone. But before he could clarify the issue, Dr Sakurai already jumped in his defense.

 

“Shiroyama-kun has been working alongside us for the past eight years as a full-time nurse. He underwent rigorous in-house practical training at the hospital and has experience paralleled to that of any head nurse with a master’s degree. Sometimes experience overarches a piece of paper.”

 

This time Takanori spoke up, his hands finally releasing the arm rests. Yuu thought that he would never get to hear his brother’s voice again. “I beg to differ.” It had gone deeper with years, consolidating his maturity yet instead of bringing joy to the elder, his words were chafing Yuu’s skin. “If the personnel doesn’t have relevant qualifications, sensei, it can lead to unanimous distrust among patients. Worse, a potential lawsuit, as it’s the patient’s right to be taken care of by qualified staff.”

 

The dean’s condescending glare aimed at Takanori ultimately screamed of _‘you know nothing, young boy’._ “Surely, the hospital training meets the board’s standards.”

 

“And besides,” Kouyou finally broke his silence. “Shiroyama-san has maintained a clean record without any major mishaps over the years.” At the end of his point, he received an approving nod from Dr Sakurai. Meanwhile, all Yuu could do was helplessly follow the argument in silence. So pathetic, he couldn’t even stand up for himself.

 

“I’m not entirely sure how it works in the States, Takashima-san.” Takanori’s eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. “But here, withholding the truth regarding your qualifications is considered to be a criminal offence. Also, would _you_ want to run and invest into the hospital, which hires unqualified laborers? What an ugly reputation it will gain.”

 

“It’s the experience that counts, Matsumoto-kun,” Dr Sakurai reiterated his point, the wrinkles on his forehead only deepened, annoyance lacing his voice. “There is no point in learning so much theory but barely having any practical experience when it comes to a hands-on profession like nursing.” His stance remained staunch to what the old generation believed in: experience, experience and again, experience. Similar to this, you could read up all textbooks on surgery in the world, that didn’t necessarily make you into a great surgeon, if you’ve never held a scalpel before.

 

“That’s not the core of the problem, sensei. The problem is the _law_.” It didn’t seem like Takanori was going to give up on his opinion any time soon. “I don’t doubt that it’s the experience that grooms a person into a more skillful worker. However, the legality of the circumstance overwhelms everything else. There are regulations outlined by the board, and we must follow them. To avoid trouble, the most we can do now is to demote Shiroyama-san from his current position of a chief nurse and appoint him into one, which is relevant to his non-existent qualifications.”

 

“The last part was truly unnecessary, Matsumoto-san,” Kouyou indicated icily as he glowered at Takanori, who pointedly ignored it. “I shall make the final decision.”

 

“Leave it to me, Takashima-san,” Akira suggested. “I’m sure the CEO has more important things to worry about, besides this case is under my expertise.”

Kouyou merely shifted his cold stare at the auditor.

 

“Your jurisdiction only lies in evaluating the conditions of the hospital. The human resource departments will be the ones to give the verdict. Meanwhile, I’m sure my authority is ubiquitous in administrative matters, and I don’t need others to decide for me what’s considered to be an important matter. Now if you please excuse me, I would like to speak to Shiroyama-san in private.”

 

Takanori glared at his superior then wordlessly left the office, Suzuki following suit. The dean mouthed ‘good luck’ to Yuu before he exited the room as well. Only once their company had left, did Yuu slump in his chair, exhaling loudly in relief.

 

His brother was here, just a metre away from him, yet he could not reach him. The once little boy had grown into a confident man, firm in his beliefs, even if he did nothing but try to have Yuu sacked.

 

What irony.

 

“Takashima-san.”

 

“Kouyou,” the other corrected.

 

Immediately, Shiroyama launched himself from his chair and rushed over towards the other’s desk. The elder slammed his hands onto its perfectly polished surface, a frown settling on the bridge of his nose.

 

“Kouyou, what’s the fucking meaning of all this?”

 

“Control your temper. You can refer to me by my first name but don’t forget that I’m still your superior right now,” Kouyou reminded the elder with a collected expression, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs. The man, however, didn’t seem to be _truly_ bothered by Yuu’s tone and lack of his usual respect. Whatever it was, Takashima probably found the whole situation entertaining, but the other didn’t exactly share the same sentiment. His status as a senior nurse was being challenged, whom was he kidding?

 

“I thought personal feelings shouldn’t interfere with work,” he said through gritted teeth. “Kouyou, I’ve been working here just fine for _eight_ goddamned years.”

 

“Takanori isn’t entirely wrong.” Kouyou seemed to only add fuel into fire. “Although I admit that his argument is somewhat flawed, we should still heed his words. From what I’ve seen while working overseas, some patients do take this issue seriously. A lawsuit can be a potentially huge blow on the hospital’s reputation. And you know how our society reacts to scandals. Even an excellent lawyer like Matsumoto won’t be able to tame it.”

 

Of course, Yuu knew.

 

Here, shame was stigmatized to the point of suicide as a mean of asking for forgiveness.

 

“So what, are you going to personally fire me now? **‘ _The newly appointed CEO single-handedly curbs improper practice to uphold the hospital’s reputation’_**?” As if forgotten the younger’s reminder of his place, Yuu couldn’t help but mock the other. “Isn’t this dirty job slightly too trivial for your VIP kind?”

 

“Neither Akira nor Takanori is trying to get you sacked. Just demoted to an unlicensed assistant nurse.” One had to applaud Kouyou’s composure, having his subordinate openly slander him.

 

“That’s no different from docking my pay.”

 

As if Yuu was going to let them undermine his position like this. But who was he kidding? He couldn’t even defend himself during the talk, how was he going to prevent himself from losing his job?

 

“Yuu, I’m trying to help you.”

 

“Why bother?” The elder eyed him suspiciously. “You don’t owe me anything.”

 

“Look.” Takashima ruffled his own hair, which had been styled neatly before that. “I know you take pride in your job and I want to help you keep it.”

 

“What are your conditions?” Where was the catch? Yuu couldn’t just blindly trust the one who had an extensive history of manipulation, which he had personally experienced. It was akin to making a pact with the devil again. “Certainly, you aren’t doing it out of your own good will.”

 

“I’m not trying to weave our personal issues into this.”

 

“And if you do, how do these conditions change?” Yuu wouldn’t back off from his attitude on this matter. Kouyou could sweet-talk him for all he cared, but Yuu wasn’t planning to fall for it again.

 

“Stop running away from me.”

 

“Kouyou!” He exclaimed warningly and leapt back to a safe distance, yet Kouyou didn’t move an inch and only gave him a questioning look.

 

“I’m not forcing you into anything you don’t want to do, Yuu.”

 

Gulping, the nurse found it hard to believe the man he knew no longer acted upon his desires. Where had the old, temperamental Kouyou gone? Did eleven years really change him this much? Then why did it felt like he was trapped in a situation similar to the one many years ago, where he had been coerced into an arrangement with no room for negotiations?

 

“What. Are. Your. Conditions.”

 

Maybe he needed to emphasize his point again. Yuu loathed how the younger was being vague about what he wanted in return for his help. _Stop running away from you_? _Where could I go anyway?_ It’s not like any other hospital would hire him with this fiasco on his resume.

 

“Shiroyama, I’m being serious about not letting you off until everything’s settled between us. We’re going to continue on from where we’ve been interrupted on Sunday, when time permits. I’m still yet to receive my answers.”

 

“Kouyou, we don’t owe each other anything.”

 

_Just let it go._

 

The last thing Yuu wished for himself was to dig out his past emotions. It was painful enough to handle his current case; Yuu didn’t need any extra emotional baggage. He was finally emancipated from his past, why drown into memories again?

 

_Just let it go, Kouyou._

 

But his prayers went unheard.

 

“I didn’t find you just to let you escape my grasp again.”

 

“Why does it matter to you _now_?”

 

“Shiroyama, you’re dismissed.”

 

“Kouyou-”

 

“Come back to my office tomorrow morning. As for now, you should resume your duties, understood?”

  
As much as Yuu wanted to spit at the man in front of him, he knew his act of defiance wouldn’t aid him in his case.

 

“Understood.”


	5. IV

“Will you ever let go of him?”

 

Kouyou had to pull his gaze away from the window to face the source of a very agitated voice. Although Takanori seemed to have learned how to control his anger better, the hurt tinge still refused to abandon his voice. _Too easy_ , Kouyou noted. It had been piss easy deciphering the younger man's emotions in the past, it remained easy guessing what was roaming in his mind today. Betrayal. Decimation of trust. Shattered faith, yada yada yada, you name it; things that naturally occurred at some point in everyone’s life. He got it, people fucked you over. And it would be even more agonizing when your own flesh and blood put you through such turmoil.

 

_Boohoo,_ that would have been the soon-to-be eighteen-year-old Takashima Kouyou’s initial reaction towards Takanori’s plight. However, little had he known that a few months later, he would have fallen prey to the same exact treatment from the same person; the one who had instilled so much trust in him, only to have it shredded into tiny pieces, until there was nothing else to grasp on besides resentment. Perhaps, even hatred in Takanori’s case. Kouyou couldn’t exactly say that he understood how Matsumoto managed to dwell in hatred for the past eleven years: wasn’t such a fiery feeling self-destructive in the first place? Wouldn’t it cloud one’s mind, have the victim wrapped around its finger before taking complete control of the person; like a pawn in a chess game? Nevertheless, to say that Takanori was being unreasonable wouldn’t be completely right. He had every reason to wish to eliminate Yuu from his life. His brother and Kouyou’s little game eleven years ago had probably spiraled out of control, to the point where it had shattered what seemed to be an unbreakable bond between two brothers. Takashima Kouyou rarely felt responsible for his past deeds, but he couldn’t help but sympathize with the younger man. However, he would be lying if he could _empathize_ with the other - Kouyou was really thankful that his heart was incapable of feeling such an emotion.

 

“You never listen to me.”

 

“I’m all ears, Taka.”

 

“You know I don’t mean it _that_ way.” He heard the other sigh in despair. Shrugging, Kouyou put the contracts with pharmaceutical companies away into his briefcase. Perhaps, he would have been frustrated as well if their position had been the other way around. Being a subordinate was already exasperating enough; Kouyou shuddered internally just imagining himself mentally decaying from the burning hatred – he didn’t even want to hypothesize where it could have led him. Takashima had surely made mistakes on an emotional basis in the past, some of them costing him a high price. Being one month away from Yuu after his secret had been divulged to his parents had been a death sentence to him enough. Compared to Takanori’s experience, he doubted he could have stayed sane for eleven years straight without murdering anyone.

 

But personal issues aside, work remained work.

 

“Do you have a problem with my decision?”

 

“In fact, I do,” Takanori replied sternly, leaning against the wall. Looks like Kouyou wasn’t going to leave his office anytime soon even though it was already 5pm. “I know you two used to be a thing back then, but you shouldn’t let the past influence your work-related decisions.”

 

“Very bold coming from someone who lets _his_ own emotions cloud his judgement.” A smirk crawled across the elder’s lips. _Look who’s talking_. Kouyou wouldn’t let the one drowned in hatred lecture him on how to control his feelings towards his colleague. “Your argument was solid, indeed, no one is denying it. But there are flaws in it because not every case is the same and you have to be flexible with circumstances.”

 

“Law is law and you have to abide by it if you want to run a reputable establishment.” Takanori crossed his arms, eyes sharp and unrelenting. Kouyou managed not to roll his own from the way the younger one regarded the law as God’s Ten Commandments (he wasn’t religious either). Old habits die hard indeed, and they carried on to Matsumoto’s professional career.

 

“There ought to be a way to work around regulations when it doesn’t endanger anyone.” Kouyou merely shrugged again as he buttoned his overcoat up and brushed the imaginary dust off the right sleeve. There were definitely more interesting topics to discuss yet Takanori kept pressing on the same old thing.

 

“The key word in my statement is _reputable_ , Kouyou-san.”

 

“ _Or_ ,” the other perked up. “We could just give him a paid leave to get his certificate updated through workshops. Or whatever program that allows him to legally obtain his license.”

 

“That’s not the problem. The problem is his title. It must go.”

 

Despite being all dressed, primed and ready to go, Kouyou pulled his chair out and settled back into its soft confines (it was probably the best thing about being a CEO). “He’s worried about his pay. There’s no way the financial department is going to keep his current salary if he gets demoted. Other employees will talk as well. Favouritism has no place in this establishment.”

 

“And he should be worried.” Takanori’s eyes narrowed, a derisive huff left his lips. “There’s no way his current salary is going to stay as it is.”

 

“But that is totally humiliating to his skills and years of hard work.”

 

Bloody hell, Kouyou felt like this man was incorrigible sometimes. Meanwhile, his statement seemed to have fired the other up – Takanori drew closer, slamming his hand on the desk (Kouyou wondered what had his desk done to receive such horrible treatment from everyone).

 

“So I guess we should stop hiring candidates with degrees,” Matsumoto hissed like a cobra, his palm red from the powerful slap against a hard surface. “I guess we should just pick random people off the street, without theoretical knowledge whatsoever, and provide them with free training. Because you know, we shouldn’t be selective about our candidates and just give everyone an equal chance to prove themselves. Takashima-san, life doesn’t work this way. Everyone has to fight for a position, starting from simple things such as university spots. People with legitimate degrees out there are fighting for menial jobs at fast food restaurants, and yet we spoon-feed those who hardly shed sweat and tears over a meager piece of paper?”

 

This hadn’t been a problem back in America. Work is work, and unless you were a part of the elite society, you weren’t _really_ discriminated by a piece of paper everywhere else. Hard work and experience trumped it all – there was a reason the US had been hailed as the land of opportunities, where discrimination wasn’t as rampant as it is in a conservative, homogenous society like Japan.

 

“What’s done is done.” Sighing, Kouyou let his fingers rake through his now slightly disheveled hair. “There’s no point in taking pride away from someone who clearly worked his way up there. What can be done is filling in the gaps.”

 

“Filling in the gaps?” The other looked at him incredulously. Didn’t seem like Takanori was genuinely looking into other options to work around the issue. Well, he wasn’t particularly fond of his brother after all, so it wasn’t like he was going to be very helpful in the first place.

 

“Like I’ve said before.” Kouyou was now twirling a strand of hair from his fringe out of sheer boredom. They could have been done with this discussion _ages_ ago. “Let the chief nurse keep his title while being enrolled in some sort of accredited nursing program part-time.”

 

The younger man scoffed.

 

“A chief nurse that doesn’t even work full time? What he gets paid for then?”

 

“In fact, lots of head doctors do that.” Kouyou shrugged. “Back in America, they were constantly on leave, attending workshops and seminars to sharpen their skills and knowledge. Healthcare means lifelong commitment to learning new things. I believe that Yuu’s temporary absence won’t be a problem. Instead, I think it should have stirred some suspicion that he has never really attended any courses _throughout_ his career.”

 

He made his point. Kouyou wasn’t even sure where else Takanori could clutch on in his statement to start a debate, he would be grasping for straws, that's for sure; well, it was his _job_ anyway as a lawyer. Meanwhile, the clock on the wall kept ticking, reminding Kouyou that it was time to get the hell out of his office.

 

“You really want to save his career, don’t you?” After a moment of silence, the lawyer spoke up, poignant hints lacing his voice. “What has he ever done for you?”

 

_So it all comes up to this_ , Kouyou contemplated.

 

“Think from the employer’s perspective, Taka. I won’t gain anything by needlessly antagonizing such a hardworking employee.”

 

“This is literally your first day here,” the other wouldn’t settle. “You can’t really tell what his work ethic’s like in such extremely short time.”

 

“I’ve received so many testimonials on his behalf. It’s going to be a lose-lose situation if we proceed with your idea. Look, Matsumoto, I feel like this issue is so insignificant and it’s embarrassing to even fight over it. Why are we blowing it out of proportion? It’s so easy just to let it go. You aren’t my secretary to harp on the same thing to me the whole day. Chill the _fuck_ out.”

 

He didn’t mean to end it like this, but it was necessary for Takanori to chill out. His words seemed to have some effect on the younger, though that frown refused to leave Takanori’s face.

 

“You’re so reckless. Always been like this. America couldn’t change you.”

 

“And you aren’t my right-hand man.” Kouyou’s boredom was slowly morphing into annoyance, showcased in his frostier tone. “I’m no oyabun, and you are no saiko-komon. As much as I appreciate your advice, I’m capable of making my own decisions.”

 

“Are you doing this because of Yuu?”

 

“Frankly, I’d do the same whether it was Yuu or not. We are a team Takanori, we fight for the same team. If employees give their best to their boss yet the boss can’t even fight for them, whom shall they trust?”

 

“So it’s one of your tactics for gaining their loyalty? By bribing them?”

 

“I’d rather describe it as a mutualistic relationship.” Kouyou wasn’t really a man of euphemisms but in reality workplaces could only thrive thanks to the positive symbiosis. “To gain something, you’ve got to give something in return and it’s not always just money.”

 

“Every employee is replaceable,” Takanori stubbornly insisted.

 

“And so are you,” the other pointed out, causing Matsumoto to adopt a scornful expression. “Because of this attitude you always end up working alone. You’ve got to have more faith in your colleagues.”

 

“How can I trust strangers when I couldn’t even trust my own brother?”

 

Kouyou saw that coming, and it wasn’t totally unreasonable. He, however, thought it was certainly unreasonable to weave personal issues into work. Whatever happened at home needs to stay at home – that was Kouyou’s policy. Nonetheless, as the boss he had to sympathize with his subordinates.

 

“Have you ever wondered why he did it?”

 

The ugly glower finally vanished from Takanori’s face, as the younger relaxed, making him seem more youthful than he already was. Black neat curls framed his now forlorn expression, glossy lips parted ever slightly to let words cascade with a completely different tone; the one Kouyou haven’t heard in years.

 

“Why do I need to know the reason when the result is clear?”

 

“Then why did you forgive me so fast back then?” Kouyou pushed it further. Hadn’t he been the mastermind behind this game while Yuu had just been unfortunate enough to be an accomplice?

 

“You were never meant to be tamed, Captain.”

 

_This title again._

 

In truth, Takashima Kouyou failed miserably in consoling others. Perhaps, he indeed lacked the empathy, that innate ability to relate to other people’s feelings. While his past experience with Yuu bore results, which somewhat aligned with Takanori’s ones, it was the end product that evoked these raw, unadulterated feelings in him rather than understanding the younger one. Nevertheless, time has passed, giving them the cue to move on with their lives.

 

“You should really learn how to separate work and feelings. You aren’t a teenager anymore, Takanori.” Run out of consolations to offer, Kouyou could only let out an exasperated sigh. “Anyway, how about a celebratory drink tonight? For a new career journey ahead. My shout.”

 

An ever-noticeable smirk lingered on Takanori’s lips.

 

“It’d better be.”

 

***

 

 When the clock struck 8pm, Kouyou was already settled at a table in a crowded izakaya in Ikebukuro. The hustle and bustle of the place was grinding his ears, yet they had already been acclimatized to the noise due to his frequent patronage to pubs in Manhattan. However, Takashima must admit that with years, he had grown wearier when it came to handling nightlife – perhaps, his prime age for that had been his early twenties. The big ‘thirty’ was looming over him, marking his third decade next June, hence he had more things on his mind now than shots and sex. Nevertheless, it was pleasant to go out for a drink every now and then, this time to catch up with four certain individuals.  

 

Awkward was probably the understatement of the year.

 

“It’s been so long since we all gathered like this.” Yutaka chuckled, putting his empty mug down. Alcohol was evident in his flushed face. “How many years it’s been? Ten?”

 

“Eleven,” Kouyou replied with a nauseatingly sweet smile, as he leisurely pushed pickled vegetables around his plate with chopsticks. Despite chugging a few beers down already, his eyes remained sharp as ever. With his peripheral vision, Kouyou noticed how Akira was trying his best to pull a grin despite his boredom while Takanori was scowling into his mug. But the award to the most uncomfortable person went to Yuu, who looked like he was going to faint at any given moment. His fingers were trembling slightly as he held his beer, his face awash with white, eyes downcast.

 

_How lovely_ , Kouyou mused, wanting nothing else but to plunge over the table and hold Yuu by his chin, forcing him to look at the other in the eye. Despite his urges, he didn’t wish for Takanori to storm off. Meanwhile, it was a no-brainer that the eldest among them didn’t belong to the group and was particularly shaken by Takanori’s presence. It was probably too much for him to handle in a day, but if he wanted to reconcile with his brother, Kouyou reckoned they should run into each other more often. “More beer please.” The CEO flashed his dashing smile at the waitress, whose face quickly acquired a rosy tint at the request.

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask this for ten minutes now,” Akira drawled after a yawn, resting his cheek on his palm. “What’s the point of us gathering here tonight?” At the same time, Takanori slid an inquisitive glare at Kouyou while Yuu finally detached his gaze from his lap and meekly looked up, also awaiting the answer. In retort, Takashima simply ignored their probing looks in feigned ignorance.

 

“Can’t we all gather as old mates?” A smirk tugged at Kouyou’s lips, yet the scowl on Takanori’s face only deepened.

 

“I doubt _all_ five of us ever qualified as ‘mates’ in the first place,” the youngest muttered into his mug.

 

“Aren’t you happy to see your brother?” Kouyou seemed to just rub the salt into the wound. Even without the need to make eye contact, he was already aware of the shock splattered all over everyone’s faces, particularly the brothers’ in question. However, contrary to what he had expected, in lieu of leaving angrily, Takanori simply grumbled under his breath, leaning back into his chair.

 

“Already seen him in your office today.”

 

“I mean in a more casual setting.”

 

The other simply shrugged off and asked for a refill. Someone was finally growing up, maybe the afternoon conversation did some good for him. Kouyou again ignored the quizzical looks his two former schoolmates were giving him. On the other hand, Yuu appeared to be relieved, having dodged a potential quarrel.

 

“So what has everyone been up to these past few years?” Yutaka decided to divert the topic to alleviate the tension. _What a smart person_. Kouyou mentally gave kudos to him. “Suzuki-san?” Oh my, still sticking to these polite honorifics. What a farce this gathering was, Kouyou couldn’t help but think this way, yet his face remained impassive.

 

“Did accounting in Kanagawa University then became a licensed auditor,” Akira replied, sneaking a glance at Yuu, who visibly flinched at the word ‘licensed’. A ghost of a grin immediately appeared on Suzuki’s lips. “Worked in Kawasaki for a few years until Kouyou said he was recruiting people for his business in Tokyo, so here I am. Never expected to reunite with everyone here though. I assume you went to a medical school in Tokyo?” He looked back at Yutaka, who was finishing his fifth beer now.

 

“Nah, did it in YCU. Received my medical license there as well. Did my pediatrics residency in Yokohama this whole time, just never really kept up with anyone from high school. Similar to our little Takanori over here.” He smiled softly at the youngest who shot a ‘ _watch your mouth’_ look at him, causing Yutaka to grin even wider.

 

“Kanagawa law school,” Takanori said curtly. “Got licensed there too. Worked for the Takashima law firm for a while then transferred here.”

 

His last words, however, fell deaf on Kouyou’s ears; the CEO’s eyes were fixated on Yuu’s face, which paled a few shades from this conversation. Takashima finally figured out the reason as he recognized the duo’s tactic. While Yutaka had probably said it out of pure coincidence without any connotations, the other two stressed on the word ‘licensed’ way too hard. _Maybe it’s time for a break_. However, Kouyou wasn’t the only who noticed the change in Yuu.

 

“Yuu-san, are you okay?” Yutaka turned to face his elder, who had kept quiet this whole time.

 

Ignoring the doctor’s concerned interruption, Akira almost _leered_ at the brunet.

 

“What about you, Shiroyama-san? What have _you_ been doing before becoming a nurse?”

 

Looks like Yutaka hadn’t been informed about the unpleasant morning meeting four of them (plus Dr Sakurai) had at Kouyou’s office because the other couldn’t pinpoint why Yuu looked so frightened when Suzuki brought this topic up. Kouyou’s childhood best friend had been bored to death this whole time, but from the current way his eyes were gleaming and lips stretched into a sinister grin, Akira seemed to have finally found his entertainment for the night. On the contrary, Yuu just shrunk further into his chair, his dark eyes almost glistening with tears. He, however, was a grown-up man and shouldn’t be triggered by a seemingly innocent question. Paranoia mustn’t overtake his senses – Kouyou knew that his former lover could yield to pressure better than that.

 

“Ah, I just wo-worked.” Despite his effort, Yuu’s answer still left his lips in a hesitant stutter, accompanied by a tired smile. “Sorry.” He then excused himself to the restroom.

 

And here Kouyou thought that the elder could have lasted longer. “I’ll go check up on him.” He nevertheless offered to check if Yuu was alright, ignoring everyone’s quizzical looks, before Yutaka could volunteer himself for that task. He could guess exactly what Shiroyama was feeling.

 

Desolation.

 

Anguish.

 

Fear.

 

And millions of other negative emotions that consumed a person ridden with guilt.

 

As expected, when Kouyou came into the restroom, he found the elder bent over the sink, droplets of water sliding down his cheeks. Takashima’s face adorned a tender expression as he drew closer to the elder, who still maintained his head down, and squeezed the other’s shoulder softly.

 

“You were doing well, keep it up.”

 

“God damn it, Kouyou, what the hell do you think you are doing?” Upon the other touch, Yuu angrily jerked his shoulder away, his usual tired face morphing into a furious one. Something stirred deep inside Kouyou’s memory box, as a nostalgic wave washed over him. Yet oblivious to Kouyou’s thoughts, the elder kept shooting daggers at him. “Could you at least warn me that those two would be here as well?”

 

“For what?” Caught up in his memories from the time when Yuu would display his anger quite often, Kouyou was speechless for a second before snapping back to reality. “So that you can give me a lame excuse not to turn up today?”

 

“To prepare mentally! I was so-” Almost hyperventilating, Yuu covered his mouth, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “-shocked. Today was just too much, I-”

 

“Yuu.” Kouyou tried to calm him down, but respectfully kept his distance away. He didn’t want to upset the other any further. However, in order for the elder to make any progress, he had to keep pushing his agenda. They would be forever stuck in a stalemate if everyone refused to face each other. Kouyou had been caught in that mental limbo years ago and he didn’t wish to repeat the same mistake all over again. “You can’t run away from them forever.”

 

“But not right after they tried to fire me!” Yuu hissed indignantly in response. “Or demote me, or whatever their end goal is. I’m trying. God help me, I’m trying so hard to keep my cool.” He was shaking in his place, one hand still covering his mouth as if trying to prevent whimpers – a sign of weakness and defeat – from spilling out, the other hand crumpling the sleeve of his cardigan. A sudden urge in Kouyou tempted him to abandon all his self-restraint and pull this vulnerable Yuu into his chest, cage him in between his arms and never let go. Never, _ever_ again. Yet his rationality remained intact, forbidding innermost desires from overtaking him.

 

“You wanted to reconcile with your brother, didn’t you?” Kouyou decided to take on the safest route for their conversation. From what it looked like, Yuu’s anxiety seemed to have subsided slightly, as he slouched, propping himself with the countertop.

 

“I do but I can’t under these circumstances.” The elder exhaled heavily, hands rubbing soothing circles on his face. He then shot Kouyou a suspicious look. “Why are you helping me anyway? What do you get out of this?”

 

And this was his last straw. Kouyou finally surrendered to his urges. Despite Yuu’s scandalized expression, he proceeded with embracing the smaller man. It seemed like centuries have passed for him to finally feel the other in his grasp. Regardless of the curses he might have conjured in his head, Yuu didn’t immediately push the younger away. Instead, Shiroyama let the other tighten the grip around his waist, being pushed even closer towards Kouyou’s chest.

 

“I hate seeing you so miserable.”

 

Sticks and stones may not break his bones, yet words definitely left a deep gash in Yuu’s heart. Having the elder curled in his embrace prompted Kouyou to remember that ephemeral bliss he had shared with Yuu, even somewhat yearn for it despite knowing they had already lost it all. Maybe it was time for him to move on. _Legitimately_. It wasn’t like Kouyou hadn't had any relationships or hook ups in America, but the ghost of the brunet persistently lingered deep inside his mind. Maybe it was time for him to finally discard Yuu out of his mind and free himself from the other’s ‘clutches’.

 

But why couldn’t he do it? The more time he spent with Yuu, the deeper he began to drown in those joyful memories, the more resolute he became with his intentions of preventing the elder from escaping him again.

 

“We haven’t seen each other in eleven years,” still caught in a tight hug, Yuu murmured into his chest. “Why do you care?”

 

“Take it as my apology.”

 

“Apology for...?”

 

Kouyou didn’t know how to reply. He wasn’t even exactly sure of his feelings. One moment he wanted to leave Yuu to fend for himself, the next moment he wanted to protect Yuu from everyone else. And it wasn’t just because Yuu had been unjustly called out at work; neither was it because as an employer, Kouyou was just looking after his subordiantes. Maybe all he could surely offer after eleven years was his embrace after all. “Let’s come out,” he then suggested, hoping that Yuu’s panic had been slightly alleviated by now. They couldn’t stay cooped up in the toilet for an indefinite period of time anyway, since the rest would get suspicious. It was a tad too early for Takanori to allude that they were having a quickie or something. “Everyone may be wondering.”

 

Fortunately, Yuu didn’t protest and reply with a nod.

 

“Sounds good.”

 

Kouyou then simply smiled back at him, finally letting the other go. A faint feeling of emptiness hit him when his arms became bereft of Yuu’s warm body, yet the feeling disappeared as soon as it had appeared. “And don’t forget to come by my office tomorrow morning.”

 

“Can’t you just tell me now?”

 

Kouyou lightly shook his head, his gaze remained soft.

 

“Just relax tonight.”

 

When they returned, a few patrons had already left and the izakaya was half-empty. Thankfully, the noise had already died down, leaving a few customers behind to savour the quieter atmosphere. There were also two empty tatamis at their table.

 

“Ah, Takanori and Akira left five minutes ago,” Yutaka explained, not seemed to be bothered by his other two friends’ long absence. “Said they have to prepare paperwork and stuff for tomorrow.”

 

“Don’t you have patient charts to look at as well?” Kouyou inquired, taking his seat. His food remained untouched while the condensation on his previously chilled beer, had melted into droplets, creating a small pool of water around the edges of his mug. Squinting in mild revulsion, Kouyou casually pushed the vessel away from him.   “It’s not my shift tomorrow.” Yutaka was in more or less upbeat mood yet concern returned to his face when he noticed Yuu next to him. “Oh yeah, is everything alright?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Yuu noticeably relaxed without Akira and Takanori around. While it sort of defeated the point of this gathering, Kouyou was more than pleased when the elder’s face restored its healthy colours.

 

“So what have you been doing these past few years?” Yutaka looked at his former friend-turned-CEO curiously. Perhaps, out of them all, Kouyou was the only one who had left the country for such a long time.

 

“I lived in the States this whole time.” Kouyou wasn’t sure how to bring forth the fact that living in America wasn’t as glamorous as it seemed. His time on the West Coast was particularly rough. “Bummed around in San Francisco, did work here and there before getting into the clinic management in New York.”

 

“Experienced everything, hey.” A teasing smile spread on Yutaka’s lips.

 

“Not as experienced as this lad over here.” Kouyou snickered, peeking at Yuu, who merely blushed and looked away.

 

Yutaka laughed heartily. “So when did you come back to Japan?”

 

“Just a few months ago.” Things barely changed in Japan, yet he felt so alienated here after being away for so many years. “Getting acclimatized back to the way of living here.”

 

“You never seemed very ‘Japanese’ to me in the first place anyway,” Yuu finally contributed to the conversation.

 

“Hmm, New York is great but it’s time to come home.” He glanced back at Yuu. Yes, Kouyou might not possess those intense feelings towards Yuu anymore but there was something comforting being around him – like being at home; something that Yuu definitely didn’t reciprocate, seeing how fidgety he appeared when those words left Kouyou’s mouth. “Also, I think it’s time to go back since both Shiroyama-san and I have work tomorrow. It was a short but still nice catch up. Would you like me to drop you off?”

 

Yutaka hadn’t hit his alcohol benchmark yet, but knowing how lightweight the man used to be in his youth, Kouyou didn’t want to risk losing another subordinate to drunk driving. Back in US, he had already experienced that. While Uke and him barely qualified as friends after that incident with Yuu, as Yutaka’s current boss Kouyou was meant to look after his employee. Otherwise, his argument to Takanori this evening was just a bunch of hypocritical, empty words.

 

“Nah, it’s alright.” Yutaka swatted his offer away jovially. “I live quite far away from here, in another ward, so will probably just cab back. You also drank today so drive safely.”

 

He then suddenly came up to Kouyou’s side, whispering in his ear. “I’m glad that you’re back. _Really_. Yuu has been so miserable without you.”

 

Kouyou noted it with a soft smile. “Thank you for taking care of him while I was away.” And it was genuine. Gone was their past feud over Yuu due to Kouyou’s possessiveness and Yutaka's overprotectiveness. Being on the same page now, they were colleagues who were meant to support each other and protected what they deemed to be important to them.

 

And that happened to be Shiroyama Yuu.

 

“I can still hear you two, you know.”

 

They both had nearly forgotten that Yuu was still sitting there all this while, a frown adorning his face yet the rosy tint on his cheeks was giving away his embarrassment.

 

“Do you want a lift home?” Kouyou finally asked him when Yutaka was out of sight.

 

“Thanks, but I can go back home by train,” the other rejected the offer softly.

 

“I insist.”

 

Eleven years may have passed but Yuu should have known better than to decline Kouyou’s offer, since it wasn’t merely an offer - turning it down was futile.

 

He ended up letting out a dejected sigh.

 

“What’s the point of asking me when you never give me a choice anyway?”

 

Kouyou simply flashed an enigmatic smile at him in response.

 


	6. V

There will always be people who find car rides therapeutic; those who enjoy conversations with windows down as the wind murmurs in their ear while the speedometer increases steadily. Yet Shiroyama wasn’t one of those people. It’s been years since he owed a car and he has almost forgotten how the leather of the steering wheel felt underneath his palms. The arrow kept moving progressively to a larger number without rest till it stopped at 100, causing his heartbeat to come to a halt. He’s never driven at such high speed before yet the driver seemed to be completely unperturbed. Kouyou managed to keep the conversation flowing smoothly, his grip light on the steering wheel, the other hand resting on the gear stick. Kouyou’s car was an automatic one, yet the position of his hand made Yuu feel nostalgic about his old manual Honda Jazz. If Shiroyama didn’t sell his car off back then, maybe he wouldn’t have to endure this taxing conversation with Kouyou right now. But then, it was impossible to rewind time, otherwise he’d already been someplace else, doing better things than this. Especially when that driver was clearly speeding.

 

“Pretty sure it’s an‘eighty’ zone.”

 

“Where is Aoi’s mother?” Kouyou merely ignored the previous statement, his eyes never leaving the road ahead of them. And why did _this_ question have to arise? Somehow, Yuu was not too surprised. It was terrifying.

 

“We don’t live together.”

 

“Divorced?”

 

“Never married.” Yuu didn’t particularly like divulging information about his family, ever since he started to receive questioning looks from his neighbours. ‘Child conceived out of wedlock’, ‘single workaholic father’, ‘mother ran away with her lover’ – these phrases permeated his neighbours’ conversations way more often than he would like to hear. Don’t get it wrong – folks in his block were always pleasant and amicable to him and his son, but the sentiment never died down behind his back. Whether it was out of pity or disdain, he couldn’t care less. All he ever wanted was for people to stop mentioning his family status every time he was an earshot away from them.

 

“You sure do have kids early.”

 

“Are you going to interrogate me every time we’re alone?” Yuu was close to losing his patience. “I’m starting to regret coming with you.”

 

“Well, I’ll need to catch up on your life if I want to be a part of it, right?”

 

Yuu looked incredulously at the younger male. “Who said you’re going to be a part of it?”

 

“Well, too bad, get used to it because I’m going to be a regular from now onwards.”

 

Annoyed, Shiroyama looked away.

 

“What was she like?” Disregarding the other’s blatant disinterest in resuming their chat, Kouyou kept pushing. Because persistence always bore fruitful results, and Yuu was going to give him answers whether he wanted it or not. Kouyou staunchly believed he deserved to know whatever the other was hiding from him all this while; the younger man was too old to play the awkward teenager’s game of avoiding each other – he was not going to simply back off when the closure was almost there. Yes, he wasn’t going to specifically ask for the reason behind Yuu’s sudden disappearance. Been there, done that. Didn’t work. So he guessed, he would have to work around the topic until he got every single necessary detail to piece the whole picture together.

 

“Why do you want to know about my ex so bad?”

 

“Just answer the goddamned question, Shiroyama.” Now Kouyou was the one close to losing his temper.

 

“She was just like you; pushy as hell.”

 

“See?” Kouyou smirked. “Wasn’t it easier just giving me the answer instead of going around in circles?”

 

“Why do you care so much?” The other hissed, fed up with the younger male’s busybody attitude (not like much had changed, it seemed).

 

And what was Kouyou supposed to say? _Um, yeah, because you sort of left me without a warning and disappeared for eleven fucking years? Because I clearly harboured some feelings for you and your sudden disappearance literally crushed me the first few months? Wasn’t this obvious? “_ Because you are a good person.” Despite these invasive thoughts, that was all Takashima could muster in the end.

 

But what did he mean by ‘good’? Yuu clearly broke his brother’s heart and to some extent, _Kouyou’s_.

 

As if reading his mind, Yuu could only sigh in return. “You’re deeply mistaken. I’m far from being a good man.”

 

Yet again, this fell on Takashima’s deaf ears. Sometimes, it felt like he was constantly filtering the other’s answers, selecting only those that aligned with his convictions. Instead of replying to the previous statement, he pulled over to the side of the road and looked at Yuu. “Can I kiss you?”

 

Well, this was totally uncalled for.

 

“Kouyou, it’s been eleven years.” Frowns definitely didn’t belong on Yuu’s surprisingly youthful face, yet fatigue was written all over it. Years of stress had done its job.

 

“So can I?” Should Kouyou actually push his luck right now? Maybe those destructive feelings for Yuu were long gone but he still needed to know what effect he was having on the other man. _How else he was supposed to stroke his ego?_ Wasn’t it right?

 

“Kouyou.” Yuu looked at him sternly.

 

“Yes or no?”

 

“No!” The other finally snapped, his face immediately acquiring a horrified expression. “L-look. I don’t think you should be asking me _this_ right now.”

 

“Fair enough.” Kouyou merely shrugged.

 

“Can I go home now?”

 

_You don’t have to look at me with those pleading eyes. They have never worked on me and never will._

 

Nonetheless, soon Takashima found himself changing the gear shaft into ‘drive’ as he turned the car back onto the main road and set off in the direction of Yuu’s place.

 

Maybe bitterness was never able to demolish the soft spot for one particular brunet in him after all.

 

                                                                                                                   ***

 

Showing up at work now suddenly transformed into the arduous task familiar to millions of workers. However, that wasn’t the case for Yuu right up until this week. His neighbours were probably correct: he embodied the definition of a workaholic; guess old habits indeed died hard and they simply carried on to his later life. Yuu absolutely loved his job, he didn’t know what he would have done if it wasn’t for this latest career choice. Yet today Shiroyama felt like he had been stripped of his sanctuary. The reason behind such disheartening feelings was being in contact with Takashima Kouyou. This guy had to re-appear in his life when he had anticipated it the least, not even mentioning that now the other two people were back in his life again. He could handle Yutaka’s presence but all _three_ at once, with so much negativity accompanying their return? No. It was definitely an overload. Well, perhaps negativity wasn’t the most appropriate term for it - perhaps, ‘baggage’ was the better-fitting word. And his bitter, almost non-existent relationship with Takanori was at the heart of it. So where did the issue with Kouyou fit in all this? Was it more important than dealing with his brother’s resentment? Yuu no longer understood his priorities anymore.

 

However, one thing he was absolutely certain about was the dreadful feeling sinking in his chest as he stood right in front of the CEO’s office. With a tightly clenched fist, he knocked on the door, awaiting the cue to enter the room.

 

“Come in.” The familiar baritone echoed from behind the heavy door. Yuu let out a breathy sigh.

 

“Good morning Takashima-san,” he greeted the younger man politely. Regardless of Kouyou’s almost tactless behaviour last night, no one had gotten rid of basic courtesy yet even though Yuu wished he could just ignore the other man’s existence. Kouyou was also technically his boss, and his career and livelihood basically depended on this man. Maybe Shiroyama should change the way he talked to the younger man – after all, wasn’t the key to succes to build rapport with the higher ups? But it was Yuu’s personal life that Kouyou was interested in, and outside the hospital, Shiroyama took orders from no one. Whatever happened after working hours stayed after working hours. At work, he was supposed to be at least diplomatic.

 

“Morning Yuu.” Upon seeing the brunet, Takashima smiled though it never reached his eyes.

 

 _Was something up?_ Yuu felt even more unsettled. However, he tried to brush these nagging feelings away. _It’s just Kouyou_.

 

“You know you can call me Kouyou when it’s just us two. How was your night?”

 

“Should we get straight to the issue?” Yuu declined to answer. The younger man didn’t seem dissatisfied. “You called me in to discuss work-related issues.”

 

“And you’re absolutely correct about that.” Kouyou pushed a piece of paper across his table. “I’ve got your new draft schedule right here. The office is trying to re-organize the roster so that it fits your timetable at college since you are going to work part-time from now onwards.”

“College?” Yuu shook his head in disbelief. “I thought it was just a few workshops every now and then.”

 

Kouyou’s solemn expression didn’t signify anything pleasant yet the man remained eerily calm.

 

“Unfortunately, you do need to have at least a diploma to resume your duties of a chief nurse. That is the _minimal_ requirement that you need to fulfill. There’s also the issue of mandatory postgraduate clinical training.”

 

“How long is the course?”

 

“Three years but will probably take longer for you since you’re doing it part-time. We’ll never know though,” Kouyou quickly added before the other could interject. “Maybe you’ll be able to get some leeway due to your previous experience.”

 

“But this is such a…waste of time.”

 

“You’re going to be compensated. It’s all paid for by the hospital. And yes, you will still be doing your job, just not so…directly, for the lack of the better word.”

 

Yuu definitely didn’t really like where this conversation was leading.

 

“…What do you mean.” It wasn’t even a question.

 

Kouyou’s expression remained unchanged, and it wasn’t giving the other too much hope. For once, Shiroyama hoped for that familiar smirk to reappear on the younger one’s lips.

 

_Please don’t tell me this is happening._

 

“We had a meeting early this morning,” Takashima started. “The board of directors was outraged that the information regarding your employment was, roughly speaking, falsified. I’m not surprised that they were not aware of this, as the board typically deals with more pressing issues such as selection of heart transplant receivers. Don’t get me wrong – they were not mad at _you_. They were angry that the previous CEO withheld this crucial information from them. I heard that Yoshiki-sama was a very practical man and liked to be…frugal. It was more profitable to underpay you than paying a legitimate graduate the actual salary. You also never showed interest in raises or bonuses. Yes, it’s an extremely dodgy practice, I know.”

 

“Honestly, I don’t really care about that little discrepancy. The pay was still more than I’ve bargained for.” And it was the truth. “But yeah, I’m not sure I like where this is going…”

 

“Unfortunately, I could not retain your title of the head nurse because you’re technically not accredited by the Ministry. As for now, you are registered in our system as an unlicensed nurse and have been revoked from your old duties.”

 

Yuu almost felt his soul being torn apart upon hearing those words.

 

“Wait, what-”

 

“Don’t misunderstand me,” Kouyou interrupted him.“You’ll still get to see patients but probably won’t retain the same authority over other nurses. I know that the staff respects you – they will surely work around this issue. No one is going to discriminate you over the loss of a title.”

 

But here was where the other was wrong. Boy, some people would totally take advantage of this situation. With every success, there was bound to be a jealous party – there would be enough people delighted by this news. Yuu just didn’t want to give them that satisfaction.

 

But what could _he_ do?

 

“So it still happened after all,” Yuu said bitterly. “I thought you were trying to help me.”

 

Kouyou almost seemed apologetic. Defeat certainly didn’t suit him.

 

“I can’t just unilaterally go against their decision. These people are our primary shareholders. We’re lucky that this issue was contained within hospital grounds.”

 

But this wasn’t enough for Yuu.

 

“I thought you said Takanori’s argument was not strong enough to demote me.”

 

“It was not solid enough to _fire_ you but sufficient to convince the directors to rescind your current title. His argument had loopholes but legally he is _right_. And when it comes to law, there’s too many regulations that you have to abide.”

 

“You were so confident about winning.”

 

Takashima caught the resentful notes in the other’s voice. “Maybe it’s time for me to realize that I cannot bypass legislations whenever I feel like it. I’m not a teenager anymore.”

 

“I guess that’s how you got away with rape, huh.”

 

Completely taken aback by such outburst, Kouyou could just blankly stare at Yuu. An awkward silence filled the room.

 

_Ah, it’s been a while since he’s thought back about it._

 

“Yuu.”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Shiroyama apologized quickly for his outburst at such inapt time, yet there was nothing apologetic in his expression. There was no trace of guilt in those hollow eyes.

 

“We can discuss such _private_ matters outside the working hours,” Kouyou said coolly after regaining his senses. “I hope you understand your circumstances. I apologize for any inconveniences that arose due to this decision. All of your expenses are being taken care of, so treat this as paid training. While I cannot guarantee that your salary, privileges and authority will remain the same, you will be thoroughly compensated by the end of it. I did everything I could within my power.”

 

 _Lies_. It’d only been one day and Kouyou had already stopped pushing the agenda further. So much for empty promises... Yuu, however, knew that there was only so much Kouyou could have done without jeopardizing the hospital’s reputation and his position as the CEO. Yet somehow Yuu managed to work there for seven years without trouble. How deep was Takanori’s hatred that he decided to stir the pot so early? He literally joined the team this week and was already trying to throw Yuu under the bus. All this fancy legal education ended up turning against him. Well, Yuu was no stranger to humiliation. Nevertheless, Kouyou didn’t exactly fail his promise – he indeed prevented Shiroyama from being fired or stripped off _all_ of his duties. The younger didn’t owe him anything, so maybe lashing out wasn’t the greatest of the ideas. The board could easily overrule the CEO’s decision despite his highest authority within the establishment. The directors were also capable of firing Takashima and appoint someone else in his position if he went against their wishes. And, strangely, that wasn’t going to benefit Yuu in any way.

 

“Like I’ve already mentioned, the clinical manager has released a new roster for you. Meanwhile, the office should have sent you an email with all the details pertaining your course in college. You will receive all the documents necessary for the subject requisite waiver shortly.”

 

“Understood.”

 

Shouldn’t he feel privileged that a chief-fucking-executive was personally organizing everything for him? Yuu, however, did not feel this way at all. After all, they put him into this position in the first place. But did they? Or was it the dodgy ex-CEO, who thought he would get away with it? And what was the HR thinking? Wouldn’t they feel responsible for falsifying data? Or were they paid enough to zip their mouth and pretend there was nothing wrong? It was no wonder the whole hospital was re-structured. And if Takashima Kouyou had to play by the rules, then no one should underestimate Takanori’s power as a lawyer, especially teamed up with Akira. They were the ones responsible for the quality of staff thus directly affecting the livelihood of its workers. Even a CEO could not really erase the repercussions of going against the legal advisor.

 

Yuu left the office with a heavy heart, knowing that he could no longer maintain the same relationship with his co-workers. The only place where he commanded respect has been taken off his radar again. All hard work during the past eight years just went down the drain – he was reduced to almost nothing. Was his little brother so thirsty for vengeance? And how immature was Suzuki to participate in this petty revenge? What good did it do to them? To feel superior to Yuu? Eleven years had passed, people would have moved on by then.

 

But then what about himself, why did he have to remind Kouyou how he had wronged Yuu before?

 

No

  
It wasn’t the same _._

A heinous act like rape could not be justified by any means. Scars associated with this traumatic experience may never heal. The act was too despicable to even utter its name, and Yuu wondered how the fuck he managed to come to terms with it. Yes, he accepted his fate and moved on in the end. He could never forget it though, yet managed to gather enough willpower to forgive the perpetrator. Perhaps, in the past, he hadn’t prioritized his feelings over his brother’s enough, claiming that the abuse was the way to go – that it was the only solution to the nightmare that could have unfolded if he hadn’t played by Kouyou’s rules. Now he finally understood that being a pushover wasn’t going to solve his problems but rather further contribute to the self-destruction. He might feel defeated but then, did Kouyou actually break him? Definitely not. Kouyou had to pay for the damage he had inflicted on the other – in Yuu’s mind it involved jail time. Well, him being a hustler wasn’t exactly legal either; but these two acts weren’t comparable on the moral level. One involved two consenting parties, the other didn’t.

 

Nevertheless, Kouyou paid his price. Maybe not with twenty years of imprisonment, but with a similar, no less traumatizing experience of being sexually assaulted as well. Again, being a victim did not necessarily cancel out your own crime, but it indeed prompted Kouyou to slightly appreciate empathy. Of course Shiroyama would have never wished such distress upon Kouyou’s younger self (or anyone) but karma had been ahead of him. He felt sick at the notion of wishing someone ill but it wasn’t like he never had such thoughts before. It had made him retch because nothing substantial would ever come out of it.

 

Thus, all he could do was kill them with kindness.

 

Then how come it felt like he never got anything in return?

 

                                                                                                                      ***

 

God knows how many years it’d been since he was involved in something academically related again. Yuu found himself feeling incredibly restless during the lecture, his ears drowned in the monotone voice of the presenter. His eyes kept darting across words inscribed on the PowerPoint yet nothing seemed to settle in his mind. They felt meaningless to him. What was the point of him understanding the science behind protein transport when he was ER-savvy enough to resuscitate a patient on the brink of death? And Shiroyama wasn’t being cocky about it: he was the (ex) chief nurse for a reason.

 

“It’s only the first day of school and you’re already dozing off.”

 

Yuu jerked at the sudden voice by his ear and immediately turned around. The owner of the voice cryptically smiled at him. Unfortunately, he had already forgotten her name - not that he cared to remember any of them. It wasn’t like he was going to be all chummy with his cohort and become a part of a ‘friendship’ group. While it was still a new experience to him, since Yuu only had high school education due to his past financial commitments, it was basically the same shit. College did not turn kids fresh out of high school into mature adults right away. Classes barely started but he could already feel annoyance rising up in him. He was almost the only mature-aged student in his cohort.

 

“Can I borrow your pen?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

Shiroyama was normally more courteous than this. He was just tired. Tired from having pointless classes. Tired from fighting for subject credits with his year coordinator. Tired from unnecessary icebreakers with other students, whose names he still cannot remember. Honestly, he’d rather work three nights in a row than waste his time here.

 

Turbulent thoughts were about to absorb his mind when his phone screen (still with cracks on it) lit up, indicating an incoming message.

 

“ _How’s class_.”

 

Takashima didn’t even ask for his permission (when did he ever?) to use his phone number for personal matters. They weren’t friends. Barely colleagues. Kouyou was his superior and Yuu was the former’s subordinate. Was it even professional to be so involved with your employees? Just because they had history eleven years ago, it didn’t give Kouyou the right to control his life outside work...well, he guessed schooling was job-related since it was being paid for by his workplace.

 

He probably had to reply Kouyou after all.

 

_“I don’t understand anything.”_

 

_“It’s ok, you haven’t been back to school in a while. You can ask me for help anytime.”_

Did Kouyou even _work_? How did he have time to reply so fast? This was definitely a breach in professionalism, together with him barging unexpectedly into Yuu’s apartment or trying to kiss him. What was all this for? They were done eleven years ago.

 

“Oooh, that’s cute.” Startled, Yuu almost dropped his phone. He had forgotten that he wasn’t sitting alone. Meanwhile, the lecturer barely made progress with the sixty-slide PowerPoint presentation, still stalling on page fifteen. “Your girlfriend?”

 

“Something like that.” Not wishing to entertain the conversation, he just mindlessly agreed to whatever guess the girl just said. In the mean time, his fingers were busy typing the next reply.

 

_“Ask you for help? You are a businessman, not a medical student.”_

 

 _“Guess you didn’t know that_ _I almost became a doc.”_

 

Wait, what? Kouyou actually went to a medical school? After all that fuss about parents pressuring him into medicine back in Japan?

 

_“Thought you said you never wanted to be a doctor?”_

 

Yuu could not even fathom why he was showing interest in Kouyou’s life. He was supposed to be drawing proper boundaries and pushing the other man away - not encouraging the conversation to continue.

 

_“Gave it a try for two years. Now I definitely know that it’s not my thing.”_

Frankly, Shiroyama wasn’t sure if someone like Kouyou could become a good doctor. A competent one maybe, but a _good_ one? Not so much. Good physicians empathized with their patients while Kouyou barely understood the concept.

 

Yuu didn’t know what to reply, so he decided to put his phone down until the screen lit up again. But this time around, the message didn’t come from Kouyou.

 

_“Hey, can we meet up?”_

 

                                                                                                                   ***

 

 

Yuu didn’t think he was going to see his ex-girlfriend this soon. It’d only been a year since they last met up. Minako might not offer the best company (for a reason), but he’d take her over that boring morning lecture any day. Appearance-wise, she hadn’t changed much. She was still beautiful and no one would argue about it.

 

“How have you been?”

 

“Same shit, different day.” It was a blatant lie, but he decided to drop the details. “Yourself?”

 

“Good. Daisuke and I are going to Maldives next week.”

 

“Oh, fancy. Have a good trip.”

 

“How’s work?”

 

“Nothing’s changed.” Of course he could not let her know about his current circumstances.

 

Minako acted surprised.

 

“People still talk about me?”

 

“How could anyone forget Head Nurse Sugihara?” Yuu sighed. How could he forget how demanding but efficient she used to be.

 

“Oh please, it’s been a few years ever since I quit my job,” his ex chuckled. To say that he missed her voice would be an overstatement. Somehow her sweet appearance got lost in that slightly nasal voice. Nevertheless, he used to love her for who she was. “Didn’t they appoint you as the chief this year?”

 

“Yeah, they did.” _And I’ve already been demoted._

 

Yuu didn’t understand the point of this meeting. They literally had the same conversation a year ago, regurgitating the exact statements (with just minute corrections). Minako probably noticed his restlessness as she glanced at his fidgeting hand.

 

“…How are things at home?”

 

This dreaded question. Shiroyama knew how much his ex hated that topic yet she never failed to bring it up every time they saw each other. What was her love-hate relationship with this issue? He saw how much it _hurt_ her talking about it. Yuu never pegged her for a masochist. But if she asked for it, he could not refuse her. _How_ _are_ _things at home_ _?_ You ask.

 

“Good. Aoi is the top student of his class again this year,” he said nonchalantly but carefully examined her reaction.

 

“Is he still asking about me?”

 

_Of course you’d ask that._

 

“Minako, he’s still a kid. Of course, he will.”

 

“You have to understand me.”

 

_Here we go._

 

“I do. But _he_ wouldn’t.”

 

“I wish things worked out differently between us.”

 

“And I wish our conversation didn’t feel like a broken record, re-playing the same old part over and over again.”

 

“We should have accepted the old lady’s offer. I wasn’t ready to have him and we needed money.”

 

He almost felt bad for his former girlfriend, as desperation started to lace her words. Nonetheless, his convictions regarding this matter remained unbroken.

 

“I would _not_ abandon my child.”

 

Her beautiful face adorned a scornful expression. “I went through the pregnancy, thinking that I would learn how to love him, but no, it never happened. How can you blame me for wishing him gone?”

 

“I’m not blaming you.” He let out a heavy sigh. Yuu honestly didn’t understand why they had to argue at some coffee shop in ripe daylight. “And I’ve never blamed you for leaving. You didn’t want to keep the child afterwards, fine. But it was a deal-breaker for me. I wanted to keep the child and never stopped you from leaving.”

 

“Why didn’t you stop me?”

 

“Because I didn’t want you to force yourself. It’s okay, motherhood is not for everyone. Otherwise, you would have lost yourself to him.”

 

“I’ve lost myself to _you_ ever since I saw you half-dead in the ER eleven years ago.”

 

“I didn’t ask to be brought back to life.”

 

For a second, anger flashed in her lovely brown eyes.

 

“As a nurse, it was my duty to save you.”

 

“And it’s my duty to be the best parent Aoi could ever have. If you don’t want to be involved in his life, so be it. I respect that. But you can’t expect me to drop my child and run away with you every time you request to meet up.”

 

“Yuu, I still care about you. You know that perfectly well.”

 

_No, you are just being selfish. You want me all for yourself. But life doesn’t work this way._

 

“Aren’t you happy with Daisuke? He’s everything you wanted, isn’t he? Handsome, rich and child-free?”

 

“Everything but _you_.”

 

Yuu was growing weary of their conversation. It was time to go home. “I have moved on, Minako. You should too. And I don’t think we have to discuss this every time we see each other.”

 

“Wait!” She suddenly reached out across the table. Only now Yuu just noticed that her hands were clutching an envelope. “I actually had a legitimate reason to call you out today.” Wasn’t it always like that though? Whatever it was, she should have brought it up _first_ before wasting his time. “One of my cousins is getting married, and I’m one of her bridesmaids. She invited the whole family to her wedding ceremony.”

 

Yuu looked at her quizzically.

 

“I’m technically not your husband.”

 

She merely shrugged. “Whether we want it or not, Aoi is still the part of this family. You should probably use this chance to build a…network or something. It is literally an upper middle class gathering.”

 

“You know that I don’t need this. Why don’t you ask Daisuke to come?”

 

“The thing is,” she looked away wistfully. “My extended family still thinks we are together. And _married_. Because my parents are too ashamed to tell everyone that Aoi is basically a _bastard_.” Yuu flinched at this term – he’d always hated it. “Everyone is also eager to finally meet him.”

 

Maybe it was actually a good opportunity to move up the social ladder. Not for Yuu, but for his son in the near future. And maybe it was fair for his son to know his roots. Just like Shiroyama, Minako was always secretive about her past, and Yuu respectfully kept it that way. She moved to Tokyo away from her family for a reason.

 

Perhaps keeping a façade for a few hours wouldn’t be too difficult.

 

“Alright, I’ll think about it.”

 

Minako smiled softly.

 

“RSVP date is in one month.”

 

Yuu simply nodded then put the envelope in one inner pocket of his coat. He was ready to leave when he sensed his ex-girlfriend’s intense gaze on him again. Her latte remained untouched. “It was good to see you again,” she said.

 

“Same.” What else could he say?

 

“Yuu.”

 

“What?”

 

How long was she planning to drag this on?

 

“Are you actually happy?”

 

Desperate times required desperate measures. In his case, just answer whatever that would make the other end the conversation.

 

“I am.”

 

Shiroyama was such a liar, it was almost pathological.

 

And he had never stopped doing it, even after eleven long years.


	7. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta: the_duck_bride

As he had expected, absorbing information of no practical use in form of long-winded notes in a PowerPoint printout was not his forte. Yuu could only exhale heavily as his tired eyes skimmed through the lecture’s contents written in a tiny font, which his eyes were having difficulty discerning.

 

This wasn’t just the issue of him being a mature-aged student because even in his youth Shiroyama could only boast average - sometimes even bordering on subpar - grades, since studying had never come naturally to him. Instead, he preferred real life learning to this, his head had always been filled with thoughts of helping out his foster family financially even if it meant working through his holidays when everyone else had been enjoying their time off school. While his past academic performance had initially saddened his foster parents, they had soon come to the realization that he excelled in more practical areas, so they had decided to place their expectations regarding studies on his younger brother instead.  

 

Yuu might not be able to recall that mitochondria was the ‘powerhouse of a cell’, but he’s known how to calculate his taxes ever since he’d had his first part-time job and that – he firmly believed – was more relevant to his daily life.

 

However, he was acutely aware that his subject coordinator had already decided what information was necessary for him to know, despite it testing no real-life skills. What also made it near unbearable was the fact that they learned their information in the stupidest way possible since it required students to rote-learn the scientific information, thus only testing their short-term memory. Still, nothing could be done to change his frustrating situation, so he’d just have to suck it up and do what he’d been told to.

 

Hunching over his notes still didn’t sound like something he’d want to do for the rest of the night. He could always continue tomorrow since he had neither lectures nor (sadly) work but wasting the last few hours of him studying on something mindless didn’t sit well with him either. Yuu usually spent his pre-bed time chatting with his son but Aoi was already asleep since he still had school tomorrow.

 

Yuu actually still hadn’t decided when he should break the news to the boy and even wondered if the ten-year-old child should be burdened by them in the first place. After all, this was _his_ problem; even if Aoi knew about it, it would change nothing about his current situation. The boy already took his mother’s leaving to heart, and while this news might not be as confronting to the child, knowing that his daddy was struggling at his workplace, it was still an unpleasant revelation. Particularly, when Yuu tried to compensate Minako’s absence with toys and weekly dine-outs, which weren’t a feasible option anymore since he had been demoted. At first, Shiroyama entertained the idea that now he wasn’t working so many shifts, he could allocate more father-and-son bonding time for Aoi but looking at his new schedule made him reconsider it, as he’d be working on weekends instead; besides that, he was supposed to spend his post-work time studying to catch up with everyone else in his cohort.

 

However, if he finished these lectures tonight, he might be able to do something with Aoi tomorrow evening: maybe they could even go out somewhere, like to the park and feed the ducks in the ponds or something, though Yuu wasn’t really sure if kids of Aoi’s age spent time with their parents this way. Although Shiroyama had the experience of taking care of his younger brother, Takanori had always been more than vocal about his wishes compared to the quiet and shy Aoi, who would rarely reveal anything to him.

 

The passing thought of his brother and their tight relationship in the past cast a shadow over Yuu. His recent situation caused by Takanori – _indirectly_ , of course, - had weaved serious doubts in him that there would be light at the end of the tunnel regarding their reconciliation. Still, Yuu couldn’t fault his brother for harbouring such antagonistic sentiments against him, because the elder had failed him and, perhaps, deserved these consequences; what’s done is done, so all he could do was deal with it like an adult should. Right now, it was obvious that the most he could do was survive his nursing program and keep giving his son the maximum support.

 

One step at a time.

 

Contemplating wasn’t enough, so maybe he needed to take action; for example, do something about these notes because his mind kept refusing to process the material.

 

 _“You can always ask me for help” -_ Kouyou’s text message suddenly crossed his mind.

 

Should he actually do it? Wouldn’t it mean that he was encouraging their strange relationship? Yuu was the one who had set the boundaries, so it would be hypocritical of him to encroach them first. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how he felt about the man’s constant presence around him. It certainly made him uncomfortable yet a part of him _longed_ for Takashima; the part that he tried to deny all these years. On the other hand, Kouyou was more overt about his feelings, openly wishing to keep Yuu around him even if there was nothing between them anymore, but thankfully he had learned to control his desires and wouldn’t _really_ touch the elder without the other’s consent.

 

Could inviting Kouyou over his place when he only had pure intentions be considered as leading the other on? Because that was the last thing on Yuu’s mind – he didn’t want Kouyou to expect anything from him tonight; or any other night for that matter. At least, that was what he kept telling himself as his quivering fingers were sloppily pressing a different combination of characters on his phone’s interface, hoping that the screen would not light up a few seconds after he pressed on ‘send’.

 

Ten minutes passed after he had sent the message and there was still no new notification. Fair enough, it was past 10pm after all and Kouyou most likely had work tomorrow morning, so it wasn’t like Yuu expected him to reply to his message; in fact, he even felt somewhat relieved since he had contacted the other on impulse without deliberating the pros and cons first.

 

However, as he was brushing his teeth, the familiar trill indicating a new message broke the silence in the living room, causing him to dash all the way from the bathroom, with the toothbrush in his mouth; which he clamped between his teeth once he needed both of his hands to type his reply.

 

Kouyou answers almost immediately this time.

 

_“Ok coming in 20.”_

And the elder nearly dropped his phone, his eyes scanning this line over and over again, still in disbelief at what he had just done.

 

He just willingly invited Kouyou over.

 

Fucking great.

What now?

 

Maybe he was simply overreacting because Kouyou was only meant to come over to help him with his work, nothing more than that. He’d already seen the younger man a couple of times this week, so he shouldn’t be feeling this anxious. As if this was his first time running into Kouyou in eleven years.

 

 _But it sort of was_.

 

Kouyou was absolutely right – he deserved to know the truth since Yuu had just cruelly left him without any explanation; running away like the coward he’d been, unable to face the consequences of his foolish actions. So maybe the reason behind him feeling so giddy was actually _guilt_ for making Kouyou become so fixated on him – Yuu had melted that impenetrable fortress around the younger man’s heart, only to have it torn apart by his repeated betrayals.

 

Then how would he classify that subconscious yearning for the younger man’s presence, his electrifying touches, low velvet voice and other embarrassing things that Shiroyama wouldn’t dare to admit to himself? A mystery that could probably be answered, not without some sort of reluctance though. However, what Yuu was willing to do was give Takashima the explanation he deserved but today wasn’t that day.

 

On the other hand, he still had to prepare for Kouyou’s ‘arrival’, but wasn’t entirely sure what was appropriate for this setting. It was already night time and normal people didn’t usually invite people over to their houses this late unless it was for a-

 

Yuu gulped.

 

_-booty call._

 

And this was clearly _not_ the case.

 

_Nope._

 

Hadn’t he already spent twenty minutes musing over their relationship? Frankly, Yuu would have probably prolonged his mental suffering for another twenty minutes if it wasn’t for the sudden knocking on the door, which nearly caused his heart to leap out of his chest. Such a pathetic reaction, Yuu wasn’t normally this jittery but somehow this whole waiting game had been making him feel like he was on pins and needles. A second knock came, slightly more forceful this time and, in the end, Yuu decided to open the door for the man.

 

“Sorry, got caught up in the bathroom.” He lied but nevertheless offered Kouyou an apologetic smile, to which the other just gave him a reassuring one in return. Even at this late hour, Takashima still managed to look dashing without his immaculately done hair while wearing a black turtleneck and grey drawstring pants. A plastic bag in Kouyou’s hand caught his attention, but he decided not to pry about it and let the other man in first.

 

One step at a time.

 

Kouyou put the bag on the table before taking a seat on the sofa, his eyes raking over Yuu’s form.

 

“Cute pyjamas.” He smirked.

 

And Yuu nearly wanted to bury himself in shame, completely forgetting about his Doraemon pyjamas. Besides Aoi, no one had really seen him wearing something that a 32-year-old normally didn’t, so his cheeks traitorously acquired a rosy tint. He, nevertheless, grumbled something unintelligible in response but it surely meant to be some sign of gratitude.

 

He was supposed to feel comfortable in his own house and hadn’t really had that much trouble communicating with Kouyou lately since both of them maintained a relatively cordial relationship at their workplace; but here, completely stripped off of his professional façade, Yuu felt vulnerable in front of his boss and coincidentally former (?) lover. He, however, wouldn’t want to make a fool of himself after he had put so much moral effort into finally inviting the man over.

 

“Coffee? Tea?” He probably sounded like a stewardess doing the coffee-tea round, causing him to mentally smack himself. _Really, Shiroyama?_

Kouyou, of course, didn’t miss his nervousness, the corners of his lips instantly turning up to form a sly grin. “I thought we’re already past these formalities?” Seeing how the other’s frame only tensed up even further, a soft sigh escaped his lips. “You really don’t feel comfortable around me, huh.”

 

“What makes you think so?” Yuu retaliated hastily but the way his fingers were crumpling the hem of his nightshirt was clearly giving his anxiety away. This scene was almost identical to the one where Kouyou had turned up at his apartment unannounced the other day. Were they back to the square one? Because he assumed that they were making progress in their relationship, a subtle one, but it was definitely there; not that he consciously put effort into it though. “So coff-” but before he could finish his sentence, Kouyou rudely interrupted him.

 

“Actually, I grabbed some sake on my way here.”

 

“You realize that I’ve called you over to help me study, don’t you?” Somehow the ridiculousness of Kouyou’s unspoken suggestion to have a drink right now dissipated his initial nervous predisposition, causing him to cast an amused glance at the younger man.

 

“Back in the States, I would have a shot or two every time I had to revise for exams, so why not?”

 

“That is very…irresponsible, I must say. Don’t you have work tomorrow morning as well?”

 

Kouyou threw his hands up in the air theatrically. “Sometimes, that’s the _only_ way to do it.”

 

Unconsciously, a soft smile settled on Yuu’s lips, as something warm spread through his chest at this dramatic display. Maybe this night wasn’t going to be _that_ awkward after all.

 

***

 

Yuu clearly remembered how patient Kouyou had been when he’d explained the concepts to the elder in layman terms, and surprisingly, Yuu had ended up absorbing this more accessible information like a sponge. As a reward, well, more for himself than Yuu, Kouyou had insisted they take a shot every time the elder had been able to recount the newly learned concepts in his own words; this had continued on and on until they had run out of the study material for the night. Unexpectedly, Takashima had proven to be a really good teacher, which was strange since he hadn’t been in any kind of schooling environment for ages, so should have forgotten all this scientific mumbo jumbo long ago. Or maybe the man had always had a knack for natural sciences, something he had clearly not demonstrated to his teachers and class back in high school, preferring to fuck around with Yuu (quite literally) instead.

 

One thing that Yuu was sure about, however, was the man’s clear proficiency in kissing, which only seemed to have improved over the years. He was unable to recall how the hell they had ended up in this compromising position on the sofa, with Kouyou on top of him, his lips locked with Yuu’s as the younger’s warm hand caressed his skin underneath the nightshirt; their tongued intertwined in some frenzied dance while the alcohol content in their blood was hitting its benchmark, destroying any sensibility left in him. Yes, that was definitely alcohol’s doing rather than Shiroyama accepting the reality of it right now, but for some strange reason he couldn’t pry himself off the younger man and instead deepened their kiss to the other’s surprise.

 

Kouyou could only smirk through their kiss, as he took Yuu’s aggression as an invitation to become bolder himself. Gentle, sensuous nipping soon turned into full-fledged biting of those plush lips, bruising them as a result and causing minuscule droplets of blood to form on their lips, thus leaving a coppery aftertaste on their tongues. He pushed his tongue deeper into the elder’s mouth, caressing the warm cavity and subsequently, drawing a pleasured moan from Yuu, who quickly gasped afterwards, surprised by his own unexpected vocal reaction.

 

“W-wait,” Shiroyama pleaded, somehow regaining his senses, slowly becoming horrified by what was unfolding in front him. What the fuck he was doing?! He wanted to push the other man away, scream at him for allowing such intimacy when he had explicitly turned him down before, fully aware that they were _not_ in the position to allow such liberty anymore. However, the invisible pull was forcing him to stay locked in this position and let Kouyou continue exploring his mouth with his deft tongue and warm lips. Like being in a never-ending daze, he kept reciprocating Kouyou’s ministrations, his fists mercilessly crumpling the younger man’s turtleneck, as his whole body quivered in delight.

 

 _This was so wrong,_ yet he didn’t take another course of action in response to this thought, only drawing closer to Kouyou, his hands finally leaving the poor turtleneck alone to find their way to cup the younger man’s face.

 

Takashima didn’t expect such a gentle gesture from the elder but nevertheless relished in the other’s touch, which had been buried deep in the darkest recesses of his mind for all these years. Yuu’s hands remained calloused over the years, signifying the comparative manual labour he had to perform, yet they didn’t feel unpleasant on his skin – it was actually the opposite; Yuu felt like _home_ , the one he’d never had with his parents always engrossed in their work and his sister never seeing eye to eye with him – they were his blood and flesh and probably loved him, especially his mother, but it wasn’t the kind of love he _needed_.

 

Familial relations, bound by biology alone, couldn’t fulfil his criteria.

 

The love he required was life changing, capable of turning his whole world upside down; it burnt with that inextinguishable flame, rekindling all these feelings he had repressed within himself as he had tried to move on with his life, the ghostly sensation of those warm, rough hands persistently lingering on his skin.

 

During all those years he had spent in America, Kouyou had just wanted to go home, his one and only _home_. However, he’d known he couldn’t set his foot back on Japanese soil yet, not until he became a man of equal standing to Yuu and he didn’t mean that _socially_. Yuu had soared so high that Kouyou’d been terrified of not being able catch up with him – and he still hadn’t, seeing how helpless he had been despite his powerful position as CEO – even now he was unable to help the person who meant the world to him.

 

However, Yuu didn’t ask for the world, he just wanted his dignity back, as simple as that, nothing more and nothing less, and still Kouyou couldn’t even give him that. On the contrary, eleven years ago, Yuu had discarded his self-respect when Kouyou needed him the most, forced to endure all that humiliation the other had put him through. However, gods were fair, so Yuu’s tormentor had been punished for his wrongdoings; one particular crime too heinous to utter, yet the elder had never gloated over it but instead accepted Kouyou into his soothing arms, irrespective of his real intentions. When Kouyou had shed painful tears or when he had been consumed by fear, the elder had become his pillar, holding him up and preventing him from falling apart; Yuu had been his _refuge_ to hide from the world when his sanity was crumbling into little pieces, leaving behind an empty shell of the person he used to be.

 

So maybe eleven years hadn’t really been successful in erasing his feelings for Yuu, no matter how dysfunctional their relationship had been. Maybe eleven years after he’d still be pining for the elder’s affection, so desperately that he’d probably do anything for him, _anything_ for Yuu to let him back into his _home_ again.

 

This meant not losing his head and being in control of his feelings, otherwise he’d set himself on the path of failure again, inevitably hurting Yuu when that was the last crime he wished to commit again. So, he gathered all his strength to disregard the throbbing pain in his groin and became the one to pull them apart from each other; because he was fully aware of the consequences. Yuu probably wouldn’t be able to forgive either of them for this and would push him away even further this time as a result, so if Kouyou wanted to have the elder in his grasp again, it was necessary him to do it at the older man’s pace.

 

“What’s wrong?” Yuu asked, his speech slightly slurred, eyes still unfocused from the booze and their earlier make-out session. Meanwhile, his sneaky hand was subtly making its way to Kouyou’s not-so-subtle bulge, but it was caught mid-way by the other’s own shaky hand, causing him to pout uncharacteristically.

 

Yuu’s fucking _adorable_ expression only treacherously made the younger man harder – Takashima required all of his self-restraint not to take the elder right here and now.

 

“It’s because of the alcohol.” While Kouyou had indeed had an intention of loosening the other up slightly so they wouldn’t be so awkward around each other, he’d never imagined the man to be so overt about his innermost desires when drunk. Himself, the younger one was also quite buzzed and decisions made in an inebriated state would usually bear dire repercussions. “Yes, it must be the alcohol,” he muttered under his breath and instead, pulled them both up into a sitting position, still facing each other.

 

“Kouyou…”

 

The younger man was savouring the way his name rolled off the tip of Yuu’s tongue but all he could afford to do right now was to kiss the other man’s forehead.

 

“You aren’t alone in this, Yuu,” he said, his voice unsteady but whether it was from the alcohol or the rush of emotions, he couldn’t fathom. “I’m always here for you.”

 

The other gave him a confused look in return.

 

“I’m always here for you,” the younger one repeated this like a mantra. “So please rely on me more.”

 

“K-Kouyou…”

 

Takashima gently touched the elder’s cheek.

 

“You were my pillar back then.”

 

The concept of ‘empathy’ might still be alien and distant to someone like Kouyou, yet ‘love’ had never hit so close to home.

 

“So let me become your pillar this time.”

***

 

Shiroyama gathered all his willpower not to let the thoughts of that night wander back into his head while he was on duty; because after that night, the next twenty-four hours had been wasted on him reprimanding himself for allowing the liberty of unleashing his old feelings without considering the consequences properly. Their frivolous kiss had no place in this period of his life, better left behind in the past together with those feelings, which had suddenly surfaced upon ingesting that _poison_ people dubbed as ‘alcohol’. Never again. Notwithstanding his wishes though, his heart would traitorously clench every time he thought back to Kouyou’s last words, subconsciously wanting to foolishly believe them.

 

No!

 

Whatever they’d had in the past should really remain in the past, he kept telling himself.

 

Yuu also remembered waking up to a massive hangover like he hadn’t felt in ages, with Kouyou already gone to work, his head splitting in half as a result of the alcohol overkill the night before. Aoi had only given him a knowing look before leaving for school, without saying anything else besides the customary “bye”. So he had spent the next day in isolation, beating himself up about that kiss. Although he had to begrudgingly admit that Kouyou would have made an excellent tutor since he somehow managed to retain the information, they had discussed before allowing themselves to indulge in debauchery later that night. Maybe inviting Kouyou home was a double-edge sword after all.

 

He ended up chastising himself for getting distracted at work and proceeded to the operating theatre, where he was supposed to assist Kazuki during the next C-section surgery. _Actually_ , it’s the scrub nurses whom he was going to assist today since he had been demoted from his previous post; meaning he wouldn’t be able to actually do much during the intraoperative period. Wiping the sweat off Kazuki’s forehead didn’t count.    

 

Yuu tried not to let his bitterness consume him. It wasn’t like he felt humiliated about having to work under his former _subordinates_ now; no, his sadness probably stemmed from the fact that he was now forbidden from carrying out his role, which was the only thing that made him feel alive with a purpose he had chosen for himself and feel appreciated for it; not just born into this world to entertain the whims of his brother only to be discarded like garbage afterwards.

 

Yuu nearly slapped himself for thinking like this.

 

His little brother had been the most important person in the world to him in the distant past, how could he even allow such selfish thoughts to corrupt his mind?

 

But again, now wasn’t the time to ponder over things from the past. He had a surgery to concentrate on.

 

As he had expected, with him now being in a lower position, his responsibilities had also reduced. Instead of actually being involved in the operation, he was instructed to carry out the post-anaesthesia care; to which several nurses would giggle among themselves, sneaking dirty glances at him – rumours indeed spread like wildfire in this establishment.

 

It had officially begun.

 

“Please accept my condolences, _chief_.”

 

If there was one person whom Shiroyama would rather not run into at the hospital, it would probably be Saga. Growing rather mild and non-confrontational in his later years, Yuu started to have a bit of difficulty handling certain people, particularly those who kept trying to find fault with him. Unfortunately, Saga happened to be one of those individuals, who were most likely blinded by jealousy for them to be so passive aggressive towards him. Therefore, for the other man to express his sympathy was meant to be a jab - if anything, Saga was doing mental backflips as he rejoiced about Yuu’s career downfall.

 

“But don’t you worry because we’ll take good care of you from now onwards.” He smirked at Yuu, who forced out a smile in response, having better things to do than constantly bicker with his ill-wisher. Shiroyama was about to go check on the newborn when Saga’s gloved hand stopped him. Thankfully, he was still wearing his scrubs otherwise his pristine uniform would’ve been smeared with the patient’s blood. “Oops, sorry, but I need you to rinse and disinfect these instruments _immediately_ before Hiroto puts them through the autoclave. You still remember where the sterilization room is, don’t you?”

 

A vein throbbed on Yuu’s forehead.

 

 _Who the hell is he to order me around?_ That was his first thought, which he quickly suppressed, remembering the situation he was in. _That’s right._ He was Saga’s subordinate now, so couldn’t really disobey the man, hence proceeded to the sterilization room, all the while clenching his teeth.

 

Outside, another nurse was helping Kazuki remove his gown.

 

“Senpai!” The younger man called out for Yuu upon seeing him push the trolley with dirty instruments out of the theatre. Kazuki then quickly discarded the rest of his PPE into the bin and trailed after the elder, who slowed down slightly for the other to catch up with him. “Senpai, I didn’t really hear about the rumours until Saga mentioned it today after the surgery. I’m sor-”

 

“All good,” Yuu cut him off with a smile. He seriously didn’t need anyone’s pity.

 

“Still, I’m really mad that they did this to you!” The resident, however, was furious. “I mean, fair enough, they were breaking the law slightly but maybe you could have attended the workshops without people knowing while still retaining your post.”

 

“Well, apparently, that’s not enough.” The other shrugged nonchalantly. There was no point in wallowing in bitterness now since it had already been done. The board had already made their decision. He would just waste his time crying over it.

 

Shiroyama would just endure as how he always did because there was no other way of doing this.

 

“Maybe I should start a petition or something,” Kazuki quipped, only causing the elder to shoot a _‘don’t you dare’_ glare at him. “Okay-okay, I won’t. But if someone bullies you, you’ve got to tell me about it, okay?” The resident looked dead serious, and suddenly all traces of light-heartedness were gone. “Because I’m always here for you, senpai.”

 

_“I’m always here for you.”_

God, why did they have to be so similar?


End file.
